The Surreal Life: Horror Edition
by Druid Sorceress
Summary: What would happen if Freddy and a whole mess of our favorite horror movie characters are put on the Surreal Life? What wacky antics will they get up to? Don't touch that dial, only one way to find out! UPDATED! Please read!
1. Welcome to the Surreal Life!

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these horror characters mentioned in this fanfic, nor do I own the concept of "The Surreal Life". Freddy Krueger belongs to Wes Craven, Jason Voorhees belongs to New Line Cinema, Michael Myers belongs to John Carpenter, Leatherface belongs to Tobe Hooper and Gunnar Hansen, etc. You people get the picture! Enjoy!**_

**The Surreal Life: Horror Edition**

**Name: Freddy Krueger**

**Age: Eternal**

**Hometown: Springwood, Ohio**

**Weapon of choice: Knife glove**

**Surreal Life Quote: "I was the Springwood Slasher and murdered over 20 children before they burned me alive. Now I attack my little piggies in their dreams. Sweet dreams, children of Elm Street!"**

**Name: Jason Voorhees**

**Age: Eternal, but he's estimated to be around 60 years old **

**Hometown: Crystal Lake**

**Weapon of Choice: Machete, or whatever he can get his hands on**

**Surreal Life Quote: voice over from Friday the 13th Part II "Jason's body was never discovered at the bottom of Crystal Lake, but if you talk to the old-timers in town, they say he's still alive" **

**Name: Michael Myers**

**Age: Eternal, but is 52 years old**

**Hometown: Haddonfield, Illinois**

**Weapon of choice: Carving Knife**

**Surreal Life Quote: voice over from Halloween "I never want him to get out. Never, ever, ever!"**

**Name: Leatherface a.k.a. Bubba Sawyer**

**Age: Unknown**

**Hometown: Rural Texas**

**Weapon of choice: Chainsaw**

**Surreal Life Quote: nonessential series of grunts**

**Name: Pinhead**

**Age: Eternal**

**Hometown: Lament Configuration (puzzle box)**

**Weapon of choice: His magic hooks and chains which appear at his will.**

**Surreal Life Quote: "Come…we have such sights to show you. Don't cry, such a waste of good suffering"**

**Name: Djinn, a.k.a. Wishmaster**

**Age: Eternal**

**Hometown: A red gem**

**Weapon of choice: Wishes stupidly made by mortals in exchange for fresh souls**

**Surreal Life Quote: "Your wish is my command…but be careful of what you wish for"**

**Name: Candyman**

**Age: Eternal**

**Hometown: Unknown**

**Weapon of choice: Bees (believe it or not) and the hook attached to his right hand.**

**Surreal Life Quote: "Say my name five times in a dark room in front of a mirror and see what pops up"**

**Name: Charles "Chucky" Lee Ray**

**Age: Unknown**

**Hometown: Boston**

**Weapon of choice: Whatever he gets his hands on, and his voodoo**

**Surreal Life Quote: "I've been trapped in this mother fucking doll body for so long. Bring me a fresh soul!"**

Day one: Surreal Life Mansion

"Welcome to the Surreal Life: Horror Edition." greeted the show's host "Our houseguests have no idea who they will be housemates with. I wonder who's going to come here first."

Freddy appeared inside the house in a puff of smoke. He looked around the place in disgust.

"What the fuck kind of place is this?" he exclaimed, examining his surroundings "A fucking haunted mansion? What is this shit?"

Freddy sauntered around the house and went to the bedrooms.

"Yuck" Freddy groaned, eyeing the creaky-looking beds "These rooms look worse than that roach motel I killed that little piggy in! Would it kill Ikea to come in here and do some re-decorating?"

"And it looks like someone is approaching the house by foot." the host said, visibly scared "Who could this be?"

We cut to see Jason as he slowly walked up to the house, machete in hand.

"Eep, I better hide before he tries to kill me." the host whimpered, diving for cover in a nearby bush.

Jason approached the house and walked through a nearby window, failing to try and open the front door.

"What the fuck was that?" Freddy growled, appearing in the living room "Did I just hear a window break?"

Freddy saw Jason approaching and immediately started cursing the dream world gods for sticking him in this situation.

"Oh fuck. Not you. Un-fucking-believable!"

Jason stopped and cocked his head at Freddy, who was visibly irate.

"Oh a nice fucking hello to you too, maggot head." Freddy taunted, smiling menacingly at his arch rival "What's the matter? Lose the Stanley cup?"

Jason walked up to Freddy and started stabbing him. Freddy disappeared and returned to the bedroom he had chosen. Jason confusedly stalked around the house.

"Now that two of the psychopaths have settled, who will be next?" the host said, from his unknown hiding place.

A swarm of bees buzzed by headed for the mansion.

"Oh why did I accept this job?" the host moaned, cowering deeper into the bushes.

The swarm of bees disappeared, making Candyman emerge on the front doorstep. He rang the doorbell. Freddy answered the door, his curses audible through the thick wood.

"Sorry Captain Hook, no peter pan here." Freddy said, upon opening the door.

"Nice to see you too, Freddy" Candyman replied, walking past "What kind of a place is this?"

"I have no fucking clue." Was Freddy's reply "Only thing I care about is finding little piggies to kill."

"Oh god, how many more are there?" the host whined, remaining in his hiding spot.

A beat-up station wagon pulled up in front of the house with the logo of Haddonfield's Mental Hospital.

"Looks like this is Michael Myers" the host said in a barely audible whisper as he cowered.

Michael stepped out of the station wagon and walked in through the same window Jason walked through.

"If it isn't Michael Myers" Candyman said, grinning at his friend.

Michael silently greeted Candyman, clapping him on the shoulder.

"Great, just what we need, another dumb mute." Freddy groaned mockingly, eyeing the masked slasher icon.

Michael went up to Freddy and immediately started stabbing him.

"What is it with people stabbing me today?" Freddy roared, disappearing momentarily and appearing seated on the couch.

Michael stared at Freddy, his head cocked in confusion.

"It looks like they're all here" the host said, thinking the coast was clear as he popped out of his hiding place. A buzzing sound was soon faintly heard from behind. "What is that sound?"

Leatherface jumped out of nowhere, dancing with his chainsaw.

"Please don't kill me!" the host cried, falling to his knees "I have a wife and small children!"

Leatherface took a look at the sniveling man and walked away, shaking his head after turning his chainsaw off.

Leatherface went to the mansion door and rang the doorbell.

Candyman opened the door.

"Well hello Leatherface, how are you?"

Leatherface silently put his chainsaw down and gave Candyman a hug.

"Not him too" Freddy's groans were heavily audible now "Talking to mutes has all the fun of talking to an empty catfood can!"

"Shut up, Krueger!" Candyman said sharply, pulling away from the hug.

"Phew I think that's the last of them…hey…a pretty box!" the host said, fiddling with the golden trimmed box we horror fans know as Lament Configuration. Pinhead emerged soon after the host solved the puzzle box.

"We have such sights to show you. You opened the box." Pinhead said in his usual gruff manner as he eyed the trembling man.

"Agggh it wasn't me" the host stammered, tossing the puzzle box away "…it was the cameraman, I swear!!"

"Such a waste of good suffering" Pinhead said condescendingly, shaking his head "Now, if you'll excuse me."

Pinhead disappeared and appeared inside the house.

"That's it, I'm outta here!" the host exclaimed, beginning to run away when he nearly trips over Chucky.

"Not so fast, pal" Chucky said, wielding a knife at the taller man.

"Don't kill me! I just host the show." the host whined, scared out of his wits in the worst way.

"I don't give a shit." Chucky growled, waving the knife around "I want your body"

"Agghhhh I'm definitely out of here!" the host yelled, running away from the mansion.

"Pansy ass." Was all Chucky could say, shaking his head ruefully as he approached the door.

Chucky tried to reach the doorbell but was unsuccessful.

"Damn this stupid doll body!" Chucky roared as he looked around for another point of entry. Seeing the broken window, he climbed in.

Freddy, Jason, Michael, Candyman, Leatherface and Pinhead sat in the main room on the couches as Chucky made his appearance.

"Hello there, Charles" Pinhead greeted the killer doll "Nice to see you."

"Hey Pinhead…didn't think the gang was all here." Chucky said, climbing onto an empty space on the couch.

"We have one more surprise guest coming." Freddy growled, drumming his other hand against the edge of the seat. "We're trying to guess who it is"

"Probably Creeper." Was all Candyman could muster.

"No way…Norman Bates" Pinhead said, sure of his answer.

"Nuh Uh, it's Ash from those lame Evil Dead movies" Freddy said, shuddering "That guy gives me the creeps!"

The doorbell rang.

"Now who the fuck could that be?" Freddy grumbled as he went to answer the door.

Jason and Michael remained silent and Chucky stretched his legs just as Freddy returned with a box.

"What is it, Fred?" Candyman inquired curiously as Freddy shook the box.

"I dunno…" Freddy said, hearing a noise from inside.

"Open the box, Frederick" Pinhead said, seemingly irritated.

Freddy used his claws to tear open the box and a red gem fell out, rolling onto the carpet.

Chucky and Freddy groaned in unison.

"I think I know who this is" Freddy groaned, rolling his eyes as he eyed the gem.

"Unlimited wishes, right?" Chucky said, matching Freddy's disappointed groan.

Candyman grabbed the gem and rubbed it. A trail of smoke came out of the gem and swirled around until Djinn stepped out of the smoke.

"Hello there" Djinn greeted his fellow housemates before eyeing Freddy's sour expression.

"Djinn, haven't seen you in a long time. How are you?" Pinhead asked casually, cracking his neck.

"What do you think?" Djinn shot back, peeved "I've been trapped in that fucking gem! And where the hell are we and what are we doing?"

"This is a new reality show that some piggies thought up" Freddy replied, rolling his eyes

"Yeah, they think it's fucking hilarious to see us horror movie icons living in the same house together!" Chucky added, shaking his head.

"They have to boost the ratings somehow" Candyman interjected, crossing his legs.

"Here we go!" Djinn said sarcastically, throwing his arms up in the air.


	2. The First Day

Djinn walked around the room to stretch his legs.

After a few moments, Chucky was getting annoyed by Djinn's pacing.

"I really wish you'd stop doing that" Chucky grumbled, glaring at Djinn.

Djinn, who was still a little bit peeved, stopped his pacing to glare daggers at Chucky. Being the born peacemaker of the group, Candyman spoke up to ease the silence.

"So, uh, what are we supposed to be doing here?"

"Beats the hell outta me." Freddy growled, fiddling with his knives. "I want to go kill."

Pinhead picked up the Surreal Life Newspaper and started to read. "Looks like we cannot leave the house for anything until we are picked up by our tour bus"

" You mean I can't fucking get into the dreams of my children? I can't survive without their souls!" Freddy screamed, jumping out of his char.

"I can't survive without their souls!" Djinn mimicked Freddy with a high-pitched voice "No wonder you can't scare anyone anymore, you're pathetic."

"I can always put you back in that gem and send you to your 'brothers'!" Freddy shot back murderously, flashing Djinn an evil grin.

Djinn shut his mouth and glared at Freddy.

"Now that you got that out of your system, go on, Pinhead." Candyman interrupted, rolling his eyes.

"Welcome to the Surreal Life, horror icons. Please bear in mind that you can go anywhere you wish on the property, but you may not leave. That goes double for Freddy Krueger when he decides to murder his 'little piggies'." Pinhead continued to read before pausing.

Freddy, having returned to his seat, started grumbling swear words under his breath.

"The Surreal Life tour bus will pick you up when you have an out-of-property event to attend to."

He stopped reading as Jason and Michael furiously knifed each other on the plush sofa.

"Will you two idiots stop for one minute? I want to finish reading this!" Pinhead roared, glaring at the both of them.

Jason and Michael hung their heads in shame and allowed Pinhead to continue.

"Today, you will be getting to know your fellow housemates and will have plenty of time to rest until tomorrow. Good luck, housemates."

"Sounds like a bloody group therapy session." Freddy said, groaning as he stood up "Not my style."

"Sit back down, Freddy, or I'll turn you into a little girl with pigtails." Djinn piped up, smirking at him.

Freddy's eyes narrowed murderously as he obediently sat down.

"Contrary to what they might think, we know each other already. What's there to know?" Candyman said, examining his hook hand.

"Ehm, Nothing as far as I can tell" Chucky replied, scratching his head.

"So what will happen tomorrow?" Djinn asked Pinhead curiously.

"A special guest will arrive at the Surreal Life Mansion. You will be posted when the next edition of the Surreal Life Times arrives tomorrow morning" Pinhead read loudly.

"So what the hell are we gonna do until then?" Freddy demanded, rolling his eyes.

"I know!" Chucky exclaimed, jumping up and down "Let's talk about past kills!"

"Capital idea." Candyman agreed "Who wants to go first?"

"Me" Chucky replied, jumping up and down "I wanna go first."

"This should be good" Freddy said, chuckling

"My favorite past kill was when I beat that bitch of a teacher to death with a meterstick!" Chucky exclaimed excitedly, making the others laugh.

"MY TURN!" Freddy exclaimed, shoving Chucky back into his seat with his gloved hand.

Everyone remained silent.

"My favorite past kill was when I drowned that kid in his own waterbed." Freddy exclaimed, roaring with laughter "Must have been one hell of a wet dream for him!"

Chucky rolled around on the couch, laughing his ass off.

Jason grabbed a nearby pad of paper and a pen and wrote something down. He then handed it to Candyman.

"Jason says his best kill was when he killed Freddy!"

"You retarded bastard!" Freddy snarled, lunging out of his chair "You didn't kill me at all! Fucking mama's boy!"

Jason hurled his machete at Freddy, who disappeared and reappeared in his chair. The machete lodged itself in the wall.

"My best kill was Frank." Pinhead proclaimed, puffing out his chest in pride "The arrogant fool thought he could escape the cenobites. I have to admit that Kirsty girl helped us out a little."

"My best kill was that friend of my precious lover." Candyman sighed, remembering his blonde beauty "That suffering was legendary of my beloved!"

Michael wrote furiously on the pad of paper and handed it to Pinhead.

"Michael says that his best kill was that nurse at that hospital in Haddonfield…The one who was melted by the scalding water of the hot tub." Pinhead read for Michael

"My best kill was that young girl who had a crush on the body I possessed." Djinn exclaimed happily as he reminisced "I fucking made her heart explode!"

Leatherface wrote slowly on the pad of paper and handed it to Candyman.

"Leatherface says his best kill was that stupid hick cowboy that worked at that radio station in Texas." Candyman read for Leatherface "His brother Chop-top distracted the fucker."

"So what next?" Freddy demanded, playing with his finger knives.

"Let's talk about the scream queens we liked the most!" Chucky exclaimed mischievously.

"Great idea!" Freddy exclaimed, mock-excitedly, rolling his eyes. Djinn went first.

"I'd say that college girl that released me was a piece of grade a meat!"

Jason wrote something on the pad of paper and handed it to Pinhead.

"Jason says his favorite scream queen was Maddie." Pinhead read for Jason "She had the best scream of all."

"Oh god, all the little piggies" Freddy exclaimed, an evil twinkle in his eyes "My favorite one had to have been Alice. She was so sweet…and innocent…and vulnerable."

"That was before she kicked your burnt ass!" Chucky exclaimed, roaring with laughter.

"I oughta dress you up like Barbie. Would you like that?" Freddy shot back menacingly.

Chucky stopped laughing.

Leatherface wrote something down on the pad of paper and handed it to Candyman.

"Leatherface's favorite scream queen was Stretch. She was his favorite DJ!" Candyman read for Leatherface.

"Well don't that beat all." Freddy said, whistling with approval

"My favorite scream queen was Jennifer Tilly." Chucky exclaimed in a lustful manner "She was fucking gorgeous and had big boobies!"

" You are lucky that Tiffany wasn't here to hear that." Pinhead remarked, shaking his head "Anyways, my favorite victim was Kirsty. She was pure and sweet and somewhat naïve."

Michael wrote something on the pad of paper and handed it to Pinhead.

"Michael's favorite scream queen was Linda." Pinhead read for Michael "She was the only girl he liked naked."

"My beloved is the only one for me…" was all Candyman said…


	3. A Surprise Visitor

_**Author's note: I love writing this story…it is so funny to see our favorite horror characters under one roof. I don't know if I can add more to these shenanigans.**_

_**Ash: (clears throat) I hope I will be making an appearance in this story.**_

_**Synn: Well duh, of course. (keeps fingers crossed behind back) Why wouldn't I add you? **_

_**Ash: That's right. Me and the boomstick have been in hiding long enough. Time to kick deadite ass!**_

_**Synn: (rolls eyes) Get over yourself, Ash!**_

_**Ash: Hail to the King, baby!!!**_

_**Synn: Whatever you say, ASH! (snickers evilly at the new idea forming in her head)**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this story, nor do I own the concept of the Surreal Life. Ashley J. Williams is owned by the ever-so-talented Bruce Campbell, his Producer friend Rob Tapert and his genius Director friend Sam Raimi.**_

Djinn was the first person up the next day. He decided to go and grab the Surreal Life Newspaper to see who their mystery guest for the day was.

"Blah, blah blah…" Djinn read aloud "The mystery guest is someone who will always go out with a bang and will never run out of gas. Ummm what the hell?"

Just then, Freddy appeared, and Jason walked into the room.

"Gimme that" Freddy snarled, snatching the newspaper "Who is our guest?"

"Someone who will always go out with a bang and will never run out of gas" Djinn said, glaring at Freddy "And a good morning to you too, KFC mascot reject"

"Must be Creeper." Freddy said, ignoring Djinn's verbal jab at him "That dude is always full of gas. And you will never forget that awful smell."

Jason shook his head in disagreement as Candyman walked into the family room, yawning.

"So what is the agenda for today?" Candyman demanded, leisurely stretching.

"Surprise Guest…trying to figure out who it is" Freddy replied

"Go out with a bang and never run out of gas." Djinn added, frowning

"Come again?" Candyman inquired, pursing his lips in thought.

Jason grabbed the paper from Freddy and handed it to Candyman. Djinn looked out a window and saw a yellow '73 Oldsmobile Delta Royale approaching the house.

"Oh shit." Djinn exclaimed, his eyes widening "I know who this is. Jason better hide."

"Why should maggot head hide?" Freddy demanded, arching a singed eyebrow.

"Because he's technically a zombie." Djinn replied "Guess who eliminates zombies?"

"Ash…that crazy guy from the Evil Dead movies." Candyman answered, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose "Freddy you shouldn't have insulted him last night."

"How the fuck was I to know?" Freddy yelled defensively.

The horror icons heard the car door slam. Then they heard the roar of a chainsaw.

"Jason, you better hide." Djinn said, in a cautionary tone.

Jason shook his head and stood there with an arrogant air about him. He was not afraid of Ash.

"Looks like the surprise guest is Ashley J. Williams." the host said, hiding somewhere off-camera.

Ash, with boomstick and chainsaw in hand, kicked the door down.

"Alright you screwheads" Ash exclaimed, pushing himself into the room "Where is that walking corpse?"

"Who are you calling screwhead, pipsqueak?" Freddy said, smiling and waving at Ash mockingly with his gloved hand.

"Whoa, who died and made you barbecue king?" Ash quipped, taking a long look at Freddy "And where did you get that ugly Christmas sweater?"

Djinn snickerd at Ash's quip while Freddy yelled all the swear words one could think of in such a short time.

"So you're our special guest." Candyman greeted him, trying to be the cordial host "Welcome to our haunted mansion."

"Okay, Captain Hook, where is the zombie goalie?" was all Ash said in reply, looking for Jason.

Jason stepped forward, his arms folded across his chest. Ash loaded his boomstick.

"Ash, I wouldn't do that if I were you." Djinn warned him, still snickering over Ash's insult to Freddy.

"Look, genie, I ain't Aladdin." Ash replied "Go find your lamp."

Ash then proceeded to begin shooting at Jason, who stood there, taking each bullet painlessly. Chucky entered the room to see Ash shooting Jason unsuccessfully.

"What the hell?" Ash muttered to himself, shooting again and knocking Jason's mask off. He then smirked and loaded his boomstick.

"Oooh…one look at you and I know why some animals eat their young." He quipped quickly.

Jason angrily moved forward and picked Ash up by his collar. Ash dropped his boomstick and started thrashing about.

"Now you made him mad. Never shoot off his mask. It annoys the shit out of him." Chucky bwahhed from behind.

"Put me down, ugly!" Ash screamed angrily.

Pinhead emerged in the living room.

"Well…well…well…" Pinhead drawled "what do we have here?"

"Alright! Alright! I give up! Truce! Truce!"

Jason let go of Ash and he fell to the ground.

Chucky rolled on the floor, laughing his ass off. Michael walked into the room and cocked his head at Ash. Leatherface was right behind him and was equally confused. Jason retrieved his mask and put it back on.

"I think our new visitor will be a hostage." Freddy said, smirking at the fallen man.

"WHAT??!!!" Ash yelled angrily, standing up.

"Jason, grab us some rope!" Djinn said, smirking.

Jason nodded and walked into another room, in search of rope.

"Doesn't the stop smoking campaign need their mascot?" Ash quipped angrily, flipping Freddy the middle finger of his only hand.

Freddy waved his hand and Ash's mouth glued itself shut. Jason came back in the room and handed the rope to Candyman, who tied Ash up. Leatherface saw Ash's chainsaw and ogled it.

"What shall we do with this one?" Djinn said, smirking evilly at Ash, who was struggling to open his mouth.

"Ooh, Ooh, I know!" Freddy exclaimed, jumping up and down "Let's scare the crap out of him!"

"How would we do that?" Candyman demanded, unconvinced as he folded his arms across his chest.

Leatherface grabbed the pad of paper and wrote something down. He handed it to Pinhead.

"Leatherface suggests he watch while we eat human meat."

"Sorry dude, I don't eat humans, I just kill them." Chucky said, making a disgusted face.

Leatherface nodded in understanding.

"I second that motion." Djinn said, nodding "Let's think of something else, shall we?"

"Ooh…I know! Let's make him clean up after us and cook us supper!" Chucky exclaimed, smiling

"I like that idea!" Freddy agreed, waving his claws menacingly at Ash, unaware that he broke his mouth gluing spell.

"No, I will not cook for you ugly bastards!" Ash screamed, his face turning red "I won't clean up your messes! You can all kiss my boomstick!"

"The mouth on this one!" Candyman said, appalled as he held his hook up to Ash's face.

"Sorry, Captain Hook" Ash quipped quickly "I ain't Peter Pan. Let me go!"

"Hey, loudmouth!" Djinn said quickly, with a very conniving move "Care to make a wish?"

"Yeah!" he exclaimed hopefully "I wish you'd untie me!"

Djinn waved his arms and the ropes fell off of Ash, who smiled gratefully at him.

"Thanks, bub. I owe you one."

"Oh yes…you do owe me something." Djinn agreed, smirking evilly "Since you made a wish, you gave me your soul."

"Oh no!" Ash groaned, slapping his forehead "I knew there had to be a catch or somethin'!"

"That's right…" Djinn said, receiving several high fives from the guys in the room "you have to do what I say or I will kill you."

"Yes master!" Ash said grudgingly

_**Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews, people! I didn't think this idea would have such a great reception! I promise to keep updating this story as soon as I can! Bear with me! I am also open to ideas if you would like to share them with me. Please don't be shy! You will get credit for the ideas you suggest! They can be as wacky or as off-the-wall as you like!**_

_**For those who haven't watched the Surreal Life, it's a reality show where they put B-list or has been celebrities under one roof. They do things like charity events, one season, they went bowling with mentally challenged individuals. Another season, they went horseback riding…now you get the idea.**_

_**Synn: I am queen of the horror world! (snickers at Ash stumbling into a trap cleverly set by Djinn )Women are just plain smarter, Ash. And this female author just outsmarted the great Ashley J. Williams!**_

_**Ash: I always knew you broads were trouble!**_

_**Djinn: Quiet Ash, or I'll make Freddy turn you into a woman! (smiles murderously at Ash**_)

_**Ash: Yes master (glares death holes at Synn who whistles innocently)**_


	4. Deadly Daycare Mayhem

_**Author's Note: To all of you faithful readers and authors on this site, I apologize for not updating in a while. I hope you like this chapter.**_

_**Freddy: I hope I get to kill some little piggies in this Chapter, Synn. **_

_**Synn: Well (gulps) I have a better idea in mind. You might just like it!**_

_**Freddy: I damn well better like it (Roars) Or else you'll be my next little piggy…Sweet dreams, bitch!**_

_**Synn: (rolls eyes) Freddy, I'm not scared of you. You can't do a thing to me.**_

_**Freddy: Is that so? (lunges)**_

_**Synn: (Sidesteps Freddy and puts him in suspended animation with super author powers) Told you so! You can't hurt me! I'm the author of this story! So, HAHAHA!!**_

_**Freddy: (grumbling) Damn broad.**_

_**Djiin: Synn, I think this is an improvement! (laughing) Can you keep him like this?**_

_**Freddy: (growling) Once I get out of this, I will slash you into ribbons, Djinn.**_

_**Synn: Boys, settle down…you don't want to be tortured like our beloved guest hostage! (points to Ash, who is wearing a French maid uniform…complete with short skirt and feather duster)**_

_**Freddy & Djinn: (mouths shut)**_

_**Synn: On with this chappie! (cracks neck and starts typing)**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the mentioned characters in the story, except for me. Enjoy the show!**_

Ash slunk around the Surreal Life house, grumbling and swearing to himself as he dusted.

"Stupid ugly bastards" he growled, trying to think of a way to escape the clutches of the foolish wish he made.

"Ohhhh Ashley!" Freddy taunted from across the room "You missed a spot!"

Ash spun around angrily to face Freddy.

"What the hell are you talking about, ugly? I cleaned that up two seconds ago!"

With a wave of his hand, Freddy made a fresh pile of doggie doo appear on the floor. Ash groaned, rolling his eyes.

"Anyone here own a pooper scooper?" Ash muttered, looking for something to pick up the mess.

"This was a brilliant idea, Djinn" Freddy said, laughing hard as they watched Ash bend down to pick up the doggie doo with the dustpan in his French maid costume. "I guess you're off the hook as my personal punching bag"

"Gee thanks" Djinn replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes "You are most gracious (under his breath) Son of a hundred maniacs"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that" Freddy said, narrowing his eyes at Djinn.

"So Pinhead" Djinn said, turning to the cenobite "Besides Ash as our new maid, what's on the agenda for today?"

Pinhead picked up the Surreal Life newspaper and began to read.

"Today we run a daycare" Pinhead said, frowning "A daycare?"

"Oooohhhh" Freddy said, snickering evilly "Lots of little piggies to kill!!"

"A special request goes out to Freddy from the show censors" Pinhead continued, suppressing a laugh "No killing the children."

"Awww c'mon!" Freddy moaned, swearing "Can't they give the Springwood Slasher a break?"

"Apparently not" Candyman quipped, thinking of ways to entertain the kids "We should probably make the best of it. Why not give something back to the community that we love to scare so much?"

"I'll set up a shadow puppet theatre" Pinhead volunteered, eager to do his part. "Kids like that stuff, nowadays, right?"

"I'll use the kitchen to make cupcakes with the kids" Candyman said, smiling "We can make honey oatmeal cupcakes. Kids like honey"

Jason took the pad of paper and scribbled something down before handing it to Pinhead.

"Jason says that he'll do Arts and Crafts with Leatherface" Pinhead read aloud, nodding with approval.

"I'll play tag and stuff with the kids" Chucky said, unsure of what else to do "That way, I can keep up with them"

"I'll do a magic show for the kids" Djinn said, smirking "Maybe I can do the disappearing lady act with Frederica!"

"Screw you" was all Freddy could muster as he was thinking "I'll tell the kids stories then. Everyone likes storytime…and then it will be nappy time"

Michael took the pad of paper from Jason and wrote something down before handing it to Candyman.

"Michael says he'll show the kids how to make jack 'o lanterns" Candyman read for Michael. "Great idea. Halloween is coming up!"

"Then it's all settled" Pinhead said, standing up "Apparently the kids will be here in less than an hour so let's get the place ready"

The housemates all got up and got everything ready. The doorbell rang half an hour later.

Grumbling and swearing, Ash answered the door, relieved that he could wear a butler suit instead of the maid's outfit.

"Hello" Ash said, flashing the first parents and children a winning smile "Welcome to the Daycare of Horror"

"So this is the right place" the young father said, eyeing Ash weirdly "Excuse me sir, but are you wearing makeup?"

Ash's face turned a beet red.

"Umm…ahh" Ash stammered, regaining his composure while he silently cursed Freddy for being an ass "It's for effect. Please come inside."

The parents warily took their children inside, not knowing what was to happen.

"As you can see" Ash said, taking the parents on a tour "The housemates enjoy entertaining children and are more than happy to watch them for a while"

"Oh my god" the young mother gasped, laughing as Chucky approached them "Does that doll really talk and move by himself?"

"See for yourself lady!" Chucky replied, glaring at her "Does that satisfy your thirst for knowledge?"

"I like you" the couple's 5 year old girl, with little brown pigtails and wide blue eyes said, giving Chucky a hug.

"Uhhh…I like you too!" Chucky replied, hugging her back as amicably as possible.

"These guys are a bunch of freaks" Tristan's 8 year old brother Jacob said snidely, rolling his blue eyes "Why can't we go to Grandma's?"

"We'll be picking Tristan and Jacob up in an hour" the father said, kissing his little girl goodbye "Now you two be good and listen to these nice people"

With that, they exited the house, leaving the kids with Ash, who was ready to unleash them on a station.

"So kids" Ash said, trying his best to be polite "What would you like to do?"

"I like dollies" Tristan said, keeping Chucky in a bear hug "What's your name, dollie?"

"My name is Chucky" Chucky replied, amazed at the little girl's strength "Would you like to play with me?"

With that, Chucky detached himself from Tristan's death grip and led her to his station.

"And what about you, little boy?" Ash asked before he was promptly saturated with Jacob's saliva.

"I'm not a little boy, you freak" Jacob hissed, launching another spitball at him "I'll do whatever I feel like"

"You little--" Ash hissed, lunging at Jacob who ran away to play with his sister and Chucky. The doorbell rang again.

"Stupid little screwhead" Ash muttered, wiping the spit off of his chin with his good arm before opening the door to a new host of parents. "Welcome to the Daycare of Horror"...

… In a matter of minutes, the mansion was filled with the gleeful squeals of the children. Chucky enjoyed playing tag with the ones at his station. They were mercifully well-behaved and played fairly. He was impressed.

Pinhead successfully captivated the children he was with, doing his shadow puppets. The children watched him, mesmerized as he entertained them. Only one child refused to go near him because of his pins and was sent to her parents, crying in fear.

Jason and Leatherface were a big hit with the older children at their arts and crafts table. Despite the lack of communication, everything went off without a hitch. Jason took a particular liking to a young child named Patrick, who was a recent leukemia patient. The child's hairless head reminded Jason of his days as a young boy and he took great care in making sure Patrick enjoyed himself. He even let Patrick sit on his lap while they made shapes out of construction paper.

Candyman had a bit of a struggle showing the children how to bake with one hand and nearly lost his patience when a couple of young boys only paid attention to his hook. But the batches of cupcakes were perfect.

Michael enjoyed making the jack 'o lanterns with the children, taking great care to cut for them so that they wouldn't get hurt. He was another big hit with his batch of children, who seemed to enjoy hanging around him.

Djinn had a hard time with his magic tricks. No matter how harmless the trick was, either one smart-assed kid would scoff, telling him it wasn't real, or a younger child would cry. He was reaching the end of his rope, wishing he could find a way to make them all happy.

"Okay, kids" Djinn announced, making a top hat appear out of nowhere "How many of you like bunny rabbits?"

Most of the small children raised their hands while Jacob, the holy terror, yelled "BORING!!"

Djinn finally snapped, as he was sick of Jacob's little scoffs and outbursts.

"Okay kid" he hissed, glaring at Jacob "You have been insolent all day long, scoffing at everything we've done to keep you entertained. Either you stay here and enjoy the show with the other kids or you sit in the corner"

Jacob looked at Djinn warily, unafraid, as he was put in the corner once by every station.

"Bite me, genie" Jacob said, spitting at him.

Growling, Djinn grabbed Jacob by the arm and marched him to Freddy's station.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" Freddy said, eyeing Jacob before glaring at Djinn

"I thought maybe you'd enjoy showing Jacob some manners" Djinn said, peeved "I'm sure you can set him straight"

"I'm not afraid of you!" Jacob said, spitting at Freddy, who glowered at the defiant child.

"Well you should be" Freddy growled, smiling menacingly before nodding to Djinn. "Do you know what happens to bad little piggies like you?"

"I'm not afraid of you!" Jacob repeated, kicking Freddy in the shin. Freddy yowled in pain, jumping up and down before deciding on a plan of action.

With a wave of his hand, Freddy made Jacob sit in a chair, rendering him unable to kick out or move.

"Now, little piggy" Freddy hissed moving his finger knives closer to Jacob's face "Let me tell you a little story about a boy named Jacob"

Freddy proceeded to tell a gruesome story about murdering a little boy in his sleep. Djinn smirked as Jacob's eyes grew wider and wider in fear as Freddy explained every gory detail vividly.

"I…I want my mommy" Jacob said, sobbing as Freddy paused "I want my daddy"

"And do you know why I told you this story, Jacob?" Freddy said, smiling evilly at the frightened child.

"N..No" Jacob said, sniffling as the chair he was sitting on disappeared.

"Because it will happen to you if you continue being a bad little boy" Freddy said, satisfied with the result "Now, will you be a good boy?"

"Y..Yes" Jacob sniffed, wiping his eyes "I want my mommy"

"Your mommy will be here in a few minutes, Jacob" Djinn said, smiling at Freddy gratefully "Now let's go back and enjoy the magic show"…

… The parents all arrived on time, picking up children that didn't want to leave. The mansion was filled with pleading voices and the banshee-like crying of children.

'Oh god' Ash thought, rolling his eyes 'Make it stop. Take your miserable little bastards home'

Crying children were dragged out of the house. Jacob's parents came last, puzzled by how animated Tristan was and how quiet and white Jacob was. Shaking their heads in amazement, they thanked Ash and left, wondering what could have caused their hellraiser son to be quiet…

"Thank god that's over" Ash muttered to himself, closing the door after them. "The worst is over"

"Oh Ashley" he heard Freddy call mockingly as he suddenly felt a draft.

"Oh come on!" Ash growled, looking down at his clothes, which had magically changed back into the maid uniform "Give me a break!"

_**Author's note: Ha ha ha. I know it got a little scary there for Jacob, so I apologize to anybody who was offended by Freddy's mode of discipline. I'm not a parent myself so I do not know how to handle an out-of-control boy who likes to raise hell for people. Please don't hurt me! (cowers under desk)**_

_**Freddy: (musing) So, something does scare our almighty author! (laughs evilly)**_

_**Synn: (jumps up to face Freddy) I wouldn't go that far. (uses author powers to lock him in a room with several Jacobs spitting and kicking at him)**_

_**Freddy: (screaming) Aggghhh! Okay okay!!! You were right!!! Let me out! Let me oooouuuuutttt!!!**_

_**Synn: (smirking…waves a hand and makes the torture disappear)**_

_**Freddy: (panting) Are you trying to give me a goddamn heart attack?**_

_**Synn: (smiles innocently) Can evil dream masters have heart attacks?**_

_**Djinn: I'll be more than happy to watch you test that theory.**_

_**Freddy: (waves hand and puts Djinn in the same torture scenario) Enjoy! (Starts roaring with laughter)**_

_**Ash: (struggling to get comfortable in his French maid outfit) And I thought I had problems…remind me never to piss you off again, Synn!**_

_**Synn: (laughs as Djinn screams for Freddy to let him out while pondering a good idea for the next chapter)**_


	5. The Visit of Sam Raimi

_**Author's Note: Now that I've successfully tortured two great horror mavens, I'd like to extend my authoring skills further.**_

_**Jason silently approaches Synn, writing something down on the pad of paper.**_

_**Synn: Hey Jason! (takes the pad to read) You like my story so far? Awww thanks! (Gives Jason a hug and is promptly covered in slime) Ummm Jason, you might want to change your clothes. You're oozing all over me!**_

_**Jason: (takes pad again and writes something else down before handing it back to Synn)**_

_**Synn: No need to apologize Jason, I know you can't help it!**_

_**Ash: (clears throat and approaches them) May I be of assistance Synn? You're dripping eau d'entrails all over my nice clean floor! (proceeds to use paper towels on Synn's chest with his only hand)**_

_**Synn: (recoils) Get your hand off of me, Ash! (slaps him away)**_

_**Ash: Hey! It ain't my fault I'm attracted to your tits! (advances)**_

_**Jason: (steps between Ash and Synn and picks Ash up by the collar of his uniform)**_

_**Ash: Put me down, ugly! (thrashes about, giving the whole world the most disgusting sight)**_

_**Synn: (shaking head) Thanks, Jason. I owe you one!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters mentioned in my story, nor do I own the concept of The Surreal Life. Enjoy!**_

Freddy was the first to awaken that day. He sauntered to the front door, where he promptly picked up the current issue of the Surreal Life Newspaper.

"Blah, blah, blah" Freddy muttered aloud before stopping "What the--! Sam Raimi is coming here? No way!"

Ash burst into the kitchen in his maid uniform at the mention of his creator.

"I knew it" Ash screamed happily, twirling around in his uniform "Sam is finally coming to save me from this horror!"

"Hey!" Freddy snarled, waving his hand "Pipe down, Ashley"

Ash shut his mouth involuntarily, glaring at Freddy, who continued to read the paper out loud.

"I heard screaming" Chucky said, running into the room "What's going on today?"

"The Sam Raimi is coming to the mansion today" Freddy said, handing Chucky the paper "He wants to use his creative genius to produce and direct a movie using the housemate of his choice!"

"No way!" Chucky exclaimed excitedly, reading "How will he choose?"

"Apparently, he's going to go over our movies with us before he makes the final decision" Freddy said, thinking of the possibilities of new piggies being afraid of him.

"He's going to pick me" Chucky said, climbing up onto his chair at the kitchen table "I just know it"

"As if" Freddy said, scoffing "Kids won't be afraid of dolls that come to life anymore. Just look at those fucking Furbys"

Jason walked into the room, with Candyman and Pinhead in tow.

"What's going on?" Candyman demanded, rubbing sleep out of his eyes "I heard screaming"

"Guess whose coming to the mansion today!" Freddy said, taunting him like a kid with a secret.

Candyman glanced over at the table and got his answer.

"Ahhh that genius director Sam Raimi is coming here" Candyman said, nodding with approval "Now that is a great idea"

"Yes" Pinhead said, savoring the idea "He can take the Lament Configuration to a whole new level"…

… All of the housemates sat in the living room, awaiting the arrival of the famed director. Each slasher had his own level of nervousness rising.

"Come on" Chucky groaned impatiently, kicking the ottoman he was sitting on "Get here already!"

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Ash opened it to see his creator, famed director Sam Raimi on the doorstep.

"Hello Sam" Ash said quietly, in a semi-pleading tone "Please help me out of here!"

Sam Raimi stared at his creation in puzzlement.

"Good to see you, Ash" Sam said, eyeing the French maid uniform warily "And no, I won't help you out of here. I'm not here to help you get out of another one of your situations! I want to make a hit movie!"

Sam walked past Ash, who was cursing under his breath.

All of the housemates stood up as Sam walked into the room, taking each of the slashers in his gaze, one by one.

"Hello guys" he said, his creative genius beginning to work "And how are all you horror mavens today?"

"Uhh great" Chucky said, trying to be the model candidate "How are you today, Mr. Raimi?"

"You guys can all call me Sam" was his unfaltered reply "So, who wants to go first?"

Michael stood up and walked slowly towards Sam.

"Hello Michael" Sam said, extending his hand to shake "I must say that John Carpenter did a good job with you"

Michael nodded as if to thank him and led him to his director's chair, strategically placed next to the big screen plasma television set.

Sam sat down while Michael popped a tape into the VCR…

… After hours of mind boggling cheesy horror flicks, Sam had a decision to make and promptly had all the housemates leave the main room. He sighed and cracked his neck as his eyes traveled to his notepad. It was time to make his decision.

"Michael Myers would have made a great character" Sam thought, looking absently at the notes he had written "But Rob Zombie took that flick over"

He then flipped the page to Chucky, and immediately flipped to the next one, shaking his head ruefully at the living doll concept. He did the same with Candyman.

"Pinhead is a good concept" Sam said to himself, thinking of the possibilities "But I want to make improvements…and Pinhead needs none"

After looking over his notes on the other housemates, he finally made his decision.

"Jason" he said, satisfied with his decision "Nobody knows how the whole thing started. I think a prequel might be a good idea so people can understand Jason more"

Armed with his decision, Sam called the housemates back into the room. One by one, each housemate filed in and sat down near the director.

"I've made my decision" Sam announced, standing up and leisurely stretching "Now I will admit, all the ideas sounded good. It was a tough decision"

"Well?" Freddy asked eagerly, waiting for Sam's answer.

Sam paused momentarily, enjoying the eagerness he saw from each housemate.

"I've chosen Jason" Sam finally said, after his moment's silence "Since nobody knows how his death really occurred, I've decided to produce and direct a prequel to the Friday the 13th Series"

The room erupted into disappointed groans as Jason stood up to shake hands with Sam.

"Booo" Chucky exclaimed, taking out a knife to brandish at the unfazed director "I demand a recount"

"I think Mr. Raimi made a good decision" Candyman volunteered, happy that Jason was chosen "Congratulations, Jason"

"I concur" Pinhead agreed, nodding "Congratulations, Jason"

"Yeah, yeah" Freddy grumbled sarcastically, mimicking the other two "Congrats, maggot head"…

_**Author's Note: Wow. Why didn't I think of that before? Sam Raimi had such great success with the Evil Dead Trilogy and with the Spiderman movies. Why not do a prequel to the Friday the 13**__**th**__** series?**_

_**Sam Raimi: (reading over Synn's work) Sounds like you're a big fan of my work.**_

_**Synn: Uhhh thank you, Mr. Raimi. (stutters)**_

_**Sam Raimi: Always nice to meet fans.**_

_**Ash: (muttering inaudible swear words in the background)**_

_**Freddy: Someone's in love (points to Synn's reddening face and Sam's friendly expression)**_

_**Synn: Shut up Krueger! (uses author powers to glue his mouth shut) Ignore Freddy, Mr. Raimi, he has a problem with speaking out of turn.**_

_**Sam Raimi: That's no problem, Miss Synn. (stifles a laugh as Freddy turns blue from struggling to breathe) A genius author like you needs a quiet environment to continue creating this masterpiece. (smiles at the blushing author)**_

_**Ash: (clears throat) I'd hate to break up this Kodak moment, but Sam, will you please help me get outta here? I dunno how much longer I can stand this crap! They plan to make me eat dog food tomorrow!**_

_**Sam Raimi: (ignoring Ash) Do you mind if I took care of Ash for you? He's getting on my nerves!**_

_**Synn: (grins evilly) Oh not at all, Mr Raimi…after all, he is your creation. Go right ahead!**_

_**Sam Raimi: (goes to Ash and starts beating him over the head with his director's chair) Stop embarrassing me, you moron! I've directed big stars like Liam Neeson and Gene Hackman. Show me some respect! **_

_**Synn: (laughs at the hilarious sight as she thinks of ideas for her next chappie) On with the show!**_

_**(And, as a disclaimer for this little part, I do not know Sam Raimi personally nor do I have any kind of affiliation with this brilliant director! I am just a big fan. So, therefore, this little sidebar is just a part of my much overdone imagination. But it is funny!)**_

_**Djinn: Call the paramedics! (bursts out laughing) I think Freddy is suffocating.**_


	6. Elimination Time Part I

_**Author's note: Things were starting to get interesting with our housemates, but something new needs to be thrown into the mix. And a veryspecial thanks goes to Darkness Takes Over, one of my faithful reviewers. Below is her suggestion, word per word:**_

_**Darkness Takes Over**_ _**I have a suggestion, on a similar reality tv show in the UK there are some evictions where the housemates would put either or two persons up for eviction - people they don't like and they have to give their reasons too - just thought I would give you an idea. **_

_**So, Surreal Life fans, brace yourselves for an elimination chappie! And, thank you again for your suggestion, Darkness Takes Over!**_

_**If anyone else has any suggestions for the next chapters, don't be shy! I am always looking for ideas.**_

_**Ash: (reading over Synn's typing as he's hiding from Sam Raimi) Elimination time, huh?**_

_**Synn: (a bit peeved at the interruption) Yes.**_

_**Ash: (clearing his throat as he thrusts out his huge chin) May I be so bold as to ask if I'm included in that?**_

_**Synn: (makes a face as she smells wet dog food on his breath) Not on your life, pal! You're a hostage, not a houseguest!**_

_**  
Sam Raimi: (rushes up to the author's desk, huffing and puffing from running around, searching for his creation) There you are, Ash! I'm not done with you yet! (grabs Ash by the chin and drags him away for another untimely beating)**_

_**Synn: (chuckles as the room is suddenly filled with Ash screaming for mercy) On with the show!!!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the slasher characters mentioned here, no do I own the Surreal Life. Got it? Now leave me alone! LMAO!**_

…The next morning, Candyman was the first housemate up. He quickly retrieved the Surreal Life Newspaper with his good hand on the doorstep and leafed through the pages, reading silently.

"Hey Candyman" Chucky greeted him from the kitchen as he walked in "What's up for today?"

Candyman remained silent, moving his lips as he read.

"Oh, don't tell me" Freddy exclaimed, appearing in his chair "Candyman has finally turned into the dumb mute we knew he'd become"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that" Candyman said, lowering the paper enough to peer over the top. He then proceeded to glare at Freddy, who shrugged, snickering.

"So what does the paper say, Captain Hook?" Freddy inquired, resting his chin on his gloved hand.

"Looks like one of us is going to be facing an untimely eviction" Candyman replied, gently setting the paper down. "There will be a contest today to determine who will be gone by evening"

A sly, scary smile crept across Freddy's face.

"You mean I have the chance to lose and finally go out to kill my little piggies?" he exclaimed hopefully "Oh let it be true!"

"Not so fast, Fred" Chucky said, glancing at the open paper "It looks like you were the first chosen to be the Horror King today. Whoever is the chosen Horror King cannot be eliminated or nominated for elimination. Man, those producers think of everything!"

Freddy slammed his gloved fist on the table, making the sugar bowl fall off the edge and shatter.

"Good going, Colonel Extra Crispy" Djinn said sarcastically, entering the kitchen "Be glad we have Ashley to clean that up"

"Kiss Ash's boomstick" was Freddy's reply, shocking the room, and even himself "Oh…shiiiitttt!! Now I'm talking like Ash!"

"I think dear Ashley has grown on our dear Freddy" Djinn taunted, laughing hard "I hear wedding bells"

Djinn's laughing was cut short when he found himself standing in the family room, now donning Ash's French Maid uniform.

"Fuck you, Krueger!" Djinn's curse was audible all over the house as Candyman, Freddy, and Chucky all roared with laughter.

"Hey!" Ash exclaimed, walking into the kitchen wearing Djinn's outfit "What the hell happened here?"

"You have the day off, Ashley" Freddy boomed, still chuckling "You're free of all your maidly duties"

"Groovy" Ash replied, raising an eyebrow cockily "Now I don't have to eat dog food"

Before he could react, Ash suddenly found himself sitting at the kitchen table, between Freddy and Chucky, with a fresh bowl of wet dog food waiting for consumption.

"Bon appetit!" Freddy exclaimed, waving his gloved hand. Ash involuntarily started wolfing the dog food down, glaring daggers at Freddy and the rest of the laughing housemates in the room…

… "So what are we supposed to be doing again?" Chucky asked, making a face. "Did I just hear what I thought I heard?"

"Yes" Pinhead replied, reading the paper again "We have to split up into two teams and play Truth or Dare"

"Truth or Dare?" Freddy spluttered, laughing "Sounds like a goddamn slumber party!"

"And our host is supposed to be arriving soon" Pinhead continued "The blood team consists of Leatherface, Candyman, Djinn and myself"

"Booo, blood team!" Freddy yelled, interrupting Pinhead's reading "You guys suck!"

"The gore team consists of Jason, Chucky, Michael Myers, and Freddy" Pinhead continued, narrowing his eyes murderously at Freddy. The doorbell then rang.

"Answer the door, Ash" Djinn yelled, angrily fingering the short skirt of the French Maid uniform.

Against his will, Ash walked to the front door and opened it. Suddenly, his terrified screams filled the front foyer.

"Who the hell is it?" Freddy bellowed, before staring at their emerging host in fear.

"Um, hello" Jessica Simpson said, walking up to the houseguests "I guess I am in the right place"

"Oh god" Djinn said, the color draining from his face "Did they have to send HER?"

"So, like, what's the deal with you?" Jessica said, taking a good look at Leatherface, who was scared out of his wits "Do you, like, work at Starbucks or something? They have people like you working there. You're a burn victim!"

"Far from the truth, moron" Freddy muttered under his breath "I wonder where the aliens found you"

"Like, oh my god!" she said, taking a look at Candyman "You could soooo get a job working as Captain Hook at Disneyland!"

"On with the game, please" Pinhead said, gritting his teeth at the pop singer/actress "Then you can get back to whatever mindless drivel is floating in your microscopic brain!"…

… "Okay Freddy" Jessica squealed, turning to him "This is for the tiebreaker"

"Whatever you gotta do" Freddy grumbled, rolling his eyes. "I pick truth"

"Freddy Cougar" Jessica said, struggling to read the question from the cue cards she was given "At what age did you lose your virginity?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?" Freddy screamed, lunging out of his chair "Get it out of Cosmo magazine like you Hollywood idiots do? I pick dare instead"

"Okay then" Jessica said, sticking her jaw out angrily "I dare you to take off that Christmas sweater and put this one on"

She reached into the bag at her feet and pulled out a pink bundle, handing it to Freddy.

"What the fuck?" Freddy bellowed, eyeing the pink fabric "Kittens? No fucking way in hell will I wear that!"

"Oh, like, come on!" Jessica insisted, smiling at him "It is soooo your color!"

"Come on, Fred" Chucky cheered, wanting to win "It's not as bad as dressing like Barbie"

"Easy for you to say" Djinn snapped, rubbing the eyeliner out of his eyes "You only had to change your clothes. I got a makeover!"

"Don't you dare start" Pinhead hissed, smacking Djinn upside the head "I had to put on lingerie!"

"Yeah" Chucky bellowed, eyeing the bustier on the cenobite's chest "Purple is definitely your color!"

"Just do it already, Fred" Ash groaned, squirting more liquid soap into his mouth "Jason kissing me with an open mouth ain't my idea of a good time"

"This better not be held against me" Freddy groaned, waving his hand. In seconds, his red and green sweater appeared in his hands as he wore the pink girlie sweater. "Are you happy now?"

"Yes" Jessica replied smugly, smirking "Now can you tell me…do buffaloes really have wings?"

"Sweet dreams, bitch!" was all Freddy could say to the ditzy blonde…

_**Author's note: Wow! Now that was interesting!**_

_**Ash: (still squirting liquid soap into his mouth) You are one strange broad!**_

_**Synn: (ignoring Ash) Now…who should be eliminated? Ahhhh the perfect cliffhanger.**_

_**Pinhead: Miss Synn, was that torture really necessary?**_

_**Synn: (laughing) Pinhead, I've seen the Hellraiser movies many times…you actually think wearing women's lingerie constitutes as actual torture?**_

_**Djinn: (still wiping the makeup off his face) Then what do you call it, oh mighty author?**_

_**Synn: (smirking) I call it creative genius!**_

_**Freddy: (keeping a firm hold of a whimpering Jessica Simpson) Can I kill this little piggy? Please? I'm desperate here!! I need souls to survive!**_

_**Synn: (closes eyes and pinches bridge of nose) I am surrounded by idiots!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Jessica Simpson, nor do I want to! So, I sincerely apologize to any Jessica Simpson fans on and those around the world, and also to Jessica herself for any offense taken regarding use of her character in my story. This is all purely in fun, not malice. Please don't kill me!**_


	7. Elimination Time Part II

_**Author's Note: I know, I know…you fans all hate cliffhangers…but c'mon! It's worth the aggravation, right?**_

_**Synn: (ducks under her desk as foreign objects are hurled at her in record speed by angry authors and readers who are also wielding burning torches and pitchforks)**_

_**Freddy: (walks into target range) What the hell is going on here?! (lets out a high pitched scream as he's hit in the head by a flying fire extinguisher)**_

_**Djinn: (walks into target range) Did I just hear a girl scream? (ducks as a dictionary sails past him) Hah! You fools missed me! Is that the best you've got? (lets out a shriek as a flying, yowling kitten lands on his face with its claws digging into his skin)**_

_**Synn: (waving a white flag from under her desk) Alright, alright! Truce! No more cliffhanger! (cautiously emerges from her hiding place) Please…don't throw anymore things!**_

_**Ash: (sauntering into target range) I should report this to the ACHI…the Association for Cruelty to Horror Icons. The madness has to stop…someone has to put a stop to this story!!! (has no time to react or move as an unidentified flying bag full of dirty diapers lands on him and splits open)**_

_**Synn: (shakes head, giggling) The hits just keep on comin', don't they Ash?**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the horror icons mentioned in this story, nor do I own the concept of the Surreal Life!**_

"Okay, guys" Freddy said, as the housemates gathered around the seating area "We gotta nominate two to be knocked off!"

"Well" Chucky started, smirking at Leatherface "I opt for Leatherface. His dancing to Justin Timberlake was scarier than a thousand Pinheads in drag!"

Leatherface growled as if to convey how offended he was.

"Does anybody have anything to say against it?" Freddy paused before quickly continuing "Okay, he's up on the chopping block…who's next?"

"I wish to nominate Djinn" Pinhead said, grimacing "What he did to Jessica Simpson was uncalled for"

"What?" Djinn demanded, trying to convey his innocence "She made a wish!"

"Yeah" Candyman shot back, glaring at the defiant wishmaster "When she wished to have her nose done, you didn't have to turn it into a toucan beak!"

"It was necessary" Chucky replied, laughing his ass off "That girl couldn't find her way out of a paper bag! At least now she can follow her nose to the fruity taste of Froot Loops!"

Freddy stood up.

"As much as I'd love to kick Djinn's ass off the show, I'd like to use my veto power to cancel that nomination" Freddy announced, folding his arms across his chest. "And I'd like to nominate Pinhead…for taking the side of that annoying brat! So go vote, damnit!"

The housemates each stood up and sauntered over to the table to write down their choices. Freddy voted last, snickering. He then took the box of ballots and opened it to count.

"Okay" he said, reaching in with his bare hand and pulling a ballot out "One vote for Pinhead"

"Ignoramus" Pinhead muttered under his breath as Freddy pulled out another ballot.

"Make that two votes for Pinhead" Freddy announced, reaching in to pull out another ballot "Two votes for Pinhead and one for Leatherface"

Leatherface growled, gazing at all the housemates angrily.

"Two votes for Pinhead and two for Leatherface"

Chucky crossed his fingers in anticipation.

"Three votes for Pinhead and two for Leatherface"

Candyman shot a sympathetic glance to Pinhead, who was seething.

"Three votes for Pinhead and three for Leatherface"

Jason cocked his head to one side.

"Three votes for Pinhead and four for Leatherface"

Pinhead started relaxing, hoping that the last vote wasn't for him.

Freddy pulled out the final ballot.

"The first housemate to be eliminated is Leatherface" he announced, smirking "Bye, bye mute. Consider yourself lucky to be going home to your hick family and your cannibalism!"

Leatherface slowly stood up, his head drooping slightly.

"Tough break, Leatherface" Chucky said, flashing him a sympathetic glance "I'm gonna miss you, big guy"

"I'm sorry Leatherface" Pinhead said, extending his hand to shake "Please forgive me"

Leatherface slowly took his hand and shook it.

"Hey, you dumb mute!" Freddy yelled mockingly "I ain't gonna miss your dumb human eating ass!"

With a growl, Leatherface picked up his chainsaw from the floor and pulled the ignition cord, charging at Freddy. Leatherface managed to catch Freddy by surprise, giving him a small cut that oozed green blood. Freddy yowled in pain and then disappeared.

"I'll miss you" Candyman said, hugging Leatherface as the chainsaw was turned off. "Say hi to Drayton and Chop-Top for me"

Leatherface sadly left the rest of the housemates, chainsaw in hand, and exited out the front door.

"Looks like we have our first loser!" the host said, rushing up to Leatherface "How does it feel to be the first one kicked out?"

With a growl, Leatherface fired up his chainsaw and charged at the host.

"Yeeaaaggghhhhh!!" the host screamed, running away from the mansion, and ultimately Leatherface for dear life…

_**Author's Note: Yeah, it was a hard decision, but I needed to continue the story somehow. I hope you liked this chappie!**_

_**Freddy: (dancing and singing like an idiot) Leatherface is gone! A dumb mute is gone!**_

_**Djinn: (watching Freddy) Don't quit your day job, Krueger! And I thought Leatherface's dancing was horrible.**_

_**Freddy: (snarling) What's that supposed to mean? (makes Ash's French maid costume appear on Djinn) Okay, Djinna…go clean the bathrooms! I made sure that each bathroom was dirtier than a pile of cow shit! In fact, all the bathrooms are full of cow shit!!**_

_**Ash: (saunters up to the author's desk, holding one pillow in front and one to cover his exposed butt) Um hey, can you help me out here? I'm naked.**_

_**Freddy: (laughing evilly) I haven't forgotten about you, Ashley! (makes Ash dress in drag…complete with makeup and high heels)**_

_**Synn: (holding head in hands) When will the horror ever end?**_


	8. Speed Dating Part I

_A special thanks to my loyal fans for staying tuned while I kicked my writers' block. _

_Ash: (snickers) And not a minute too soon…stupid broad._

_Synn: (irritated) Djinn!!! I need you!!_

_Djinn: At your service dear author, how may I help you?_

_Synn is heard whispering to Djinn…Both then snicker_

_Djinn: As you wish, mistress author._

_Ash: (uneasily) What the hell is going on?_

_right before our eyes, Ash is put into a windowless, doorless room filled with doggie doo and a big German Shepherd with severe diarrhea_

_Synn: (laughing) Thank you Djinn! On with the show!_

_DISCLAIMER:__ I do not own any of these horror characters nor do I own the Surreal Life. _

The next morning, Djinn was the first to wake up. He went and opened the front door to retrieve the paper. As soon as he picked it up, he saw a headline that almost made him drop the paper.

"Nice fumble, Tony Romo" Freddy cracked, standing in the doorway "Whatsa matter? Did Jessica Simpson distract you from throwing the big touchdown pass? Did everyone in the arena use those Jessica Simpson faces on a popsicle stick to distract you?"

"Good morning to you too, Freddy Pooper" Djinn replied, irritated "I was reading the headline on today's paper"

"What does it say now?" Freddy groaned, snatching the paper out of Djinn's hands.

"Help yourself" Djinn said sarcastically, pushing past Freddy to get inside…

… "What is this shit?" Chucky groaned, rolling his crystal blue eyes.

"It appears that a bunch of single females will be coming to the mansion for a little 'get-together'" Pinhead said, nearly drooling "Do you know what this means?"

"Ooh, ooh, I know!" Freddy yelled, jumping up and down with enthusiasm "Fresh piggies to kill"

"Pipe down, Pooper Scooper" Ash groaned, rolling his eyes "This isn't all about you, ya know"

"Tiff is going to kill me!" Chucky groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"Hold on a second" Candyman said, reading the paper "Yeah…Charles, you may be safe from her wrath"

"Whaddya mean?" Chucky demanded, looking up "How can I be safe? She's watching this stupid show!"

"Well she's coming here for the schmoozing" Candyman said, handing the paper back to Pinhead.

"Even better" Chucky groaned, pulling at his red hair "She'll kill me if I even look at one of the other girls"

"They have a term for guys like you" Freddy said, whistling "It's called whipped"

"Go light yourself on fire" Chucky said, flipping Freddy the double middle finger.

'Perfect' Djinn thought, smirking to himself 'I'll use my human form and charm all the ladies. Fresh souls for the taking'

"Apparently this is a speed dating thing" Pinhead said, setting the paper down "I am so out of practice"

Jason wrote furiously on the pad of paper and handed it to Candyman.

"Jason is feeling self-conscious" Candyman read to the others "He doesn't think he'll get a warm reception without the ladies getting hysterical"

"Just keep your mask on and be yourself, Jason" Pinhead said, leaning back in his chair…


	9. Speed Dating Part II

_**I thank you fans again for staying patient…It's hard to kick writers' block when you are starting a new job and fixing mistakes that the previous bookkeepers made.**_

_**Freddy: So you are a bean counter then (roars) I HATE ACCOUNTANTS!**_

_**Synn**__**: (rolls eyes) **__**Everybody**__** hates accountants, Freddy. **__**Almost as much as they hate lawyers.**_

_**Freddy: (roars) I like lawyers, especially the one that saved my ass! (**__**extends**__** claw)**_

_**Djinn**__**: (approaching the two) Krueger, step away from our author, you know she can hurt you and torture you and give you nightmares!**_

_**Freddy: (cackles) I'm not afraid of anything! Just look at me! I create nightmares!**_

_**Freddy and **__**Djinn**__** turn to see **__**Synn**__** smiling evilly.**_

_**Synn**__**: I know something Freddy is afraid of (snickers)**_

_**Freddy: Take your best shot, bitch! (**__**sneers)**___

_**Synn**__** waves her hand and an obsessed **__**fangirl**__** appears.**_

_**Fangirl**__**: OMG **__**It's**__** Freddy! It's my Freddy **__**Weddy (**____**locks**__** Freddy in a death-grip hug)**_

_**Freddy: (screaming like a girl) **__**Get**__** her off of me! Make her go away!**_

_**Djinn**__**: (snickering) Mistress **__**Synn**__**, I have a way to make this even more enjoyable. (**__**waves**__** hand and Freddy and the **__**fangirl**__** are glued together at the hands)**_

_**Fangirl**__**: Freddy, I'm **__**gonna**__** love you and kiss you and hug you and cuddle you. (**__**squeezes**__** Freddy until he starts turning blue)**_

_**Synn**__** & **__**Djinn**__**: (laughing)**_

_Disclaimer:__I do not own these horror characters or the Surreal Life…so all you bloodsucking lawyers should stay off my case! LMAO_

Djinn stood in his bedroom, admiring his human form in the mirror. He knew he stood a good chance over the others at attracting the ladies.

As he adjusted his tie, the doorbell rang. Mentally cursing the girls for being early, he appeared downstairs in the main room, where Freddy and Chucky were already waiting.

"Wow, Djinn" Chucky said, eyeing his suit "Almost didn't recognize ya"

"Come on!" Freddy scoffed, rolling his eyes "He's recognizable! He has a fat head just like he does in demon form"

"Shut up Kruger" Candyman hissed, walking into the room with Pinhead, Jason, and Michael. "The ladies are here!"

As if on cue, Ash walked into the main room, donning the French maid uniform.

"Allow me to present to you….the ladies" Ash said, mock formally as he bowed.

"Get outta here, Ashley" Freddy taunted, throwing a vase at his head. Ash didn't duck in time and fell to the ground after the vase struck him in the forehead.

A small group of beautiful ladies walked into the room, nearly tripping over Ash's unconscious body.

Djinn stood up.

"Welcome, ladies" he said, pouring on the charm "I am Djinn…and these are the rest of the houseguests"

A ditzy blonde girl scanned the room, and, upon locking eyes with Freddy, squealed and practically jumped into his lap.

Djinn walked up to a curvaceous brunette and an equally gorgeous redhead and circled them, all the while flashing a charming grin at them.

"WHERE IS HE?" demanded a loud female voice. Chucky cringed.

"Right here honey" he said, as a blonde doll in a bride's dress appeared in the room "I'm so glad to see you!"

The room was suddenly filled with intense smacking noises as Chucky and Tiffany kissed.

A beautiful African American woman spotted Pinhead and curiously made her way towards him.

A gothic looking girl with black and purple streaked hair sauntered up to Jason as he made room on the couch for her.

The last and final girl sat next to Michael, twirling her strawberry blonde hair…

… "Okay this shouldn't be a speed dating thing" the redhead, known as Avery said, looking at Djinn with rapture. "I really enjoy hanging around you"

"Yes" Tricia, the brunette said, rubbing her hand up and down Djinn's thigh "I wish it wasn't a speed dating thing"

'As you wish' Djinn thought, smiling evilly as Freddy tried to pull the blonde with the death grip off of him.

"I know it's hard being away from me" Tiffany told Chucky as she held his hand "But I trust you not to…what in god's name are you staring at?"

Chucky quickly averted his eyes from Tricia and tried to smile at his wife, flashing her a sheepish smile.

"You filthy pervert!" Tiffany screamed, taking a knife out of her purse "I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?"

"Tiff, calm down!" Chucky said, his eyes wide "You're always going to be my number one!"

"Bullshit!" Tiffany screamed, stabbing him in the thigh "Be lucky you sleep here for the next few nights because you'll be living in the doghouse when you return home. And this time I won't let you off the hook easily"

With that, she stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Chucky sighed, seeing the pairs of eyes watching him. He groaned, pulling the knife out of his thigh.

"You're right, Fred, I guess I am whipped" he said, going up to his room…

_**Author's note:**__**Oooh**__** he walked in on that one!**_

_**Chucky: I heard that! (**__**saunters**__** up to **__**Synn) **____**It's**__** women like you that deprive men of their manhood.**_

_**Synn**__**: I am offended that you would say that! DJINN!!!**_

_**Djinn**__**: (appears out of **__**nowehere**__**) Yes mistress author?**_

_**Synn**__**: (whispers something to **__**Djinn**__** and they both snicker)**_

_**Chucky: (uneasily) **__**What's**__** going on?**_

_**Chucky finds himself in the same room where he beat the teacher to death with a meter stick, but Tiffany is there instead, holding the same meter stick and preparing to whack Chucky with it.**_

_**Chucky: **__**Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**__** (gets smacked hard on the butt)**_

_**Synn**__**: On with the show!**_


	10. A New Houseguest

_**Okay, we tortured the horror characters with dates and Jessica Simpson…what to do next?**_

_**Freddy: I got it! (**__**jumps**__** up and down) Let's have me killing a piggy!**_

_**Synn**__**: (irritated) No! Too easy and predictable, Freddy!**_

_**Candyman**__**: Maybe a talk show?**_

_**Synn**__**: (purses lips in thought) Nah**_

_**Ash: Let's have me using the…what the hell (searches himself)…my **__**boomstick**__** is gone!**_

_**Synn**__**: (pulls it out) **__**You**__** mean this? (**__**aims**__** it at Ash)**_

_**Ash: Stupid broad…Give me my **__**boomstick**__** back!**_

_**Synn**__**: Come and get it! (**__**taunts**___

_**Ash lunges at **__**Synn**__** and is promptly lifted off the floor, courtesy of Jason.**_

_**Ash: What is this **__**screwhead**____**Your bodyguard?**_

_**Synn**__**: Jason, go throw Ash in a big pile of doggie doo…and make him eat it!**_

_**Jason nods and carries Ash off.**_

_**Pinhead: May I suggest a new housemate?**_

_**Synn**__**: Not a bad idea! In fact, that's perfect!**_

_Author's Note:__ I don't own these characters or the surreal life. In fact, I don't want to own them!_

Pinhead was the first to wake up the next day. Tired from entertaining the ladies the night before, he yawned, picking up the surreal life newspaper.

"Hmmm" Pinhead said to himself, reading "We have a new houseguest. I wonder who it is!"

"What's in the paper?" Djinn asked as Pinhead walked into the kitchen "What's up for today?"

"We are getting a new houseguest" Pinhead said, shrugging as he handed Djinn the paper. "I don't get the riddle"

"He is someone that loves the dark and loves to kill" Djinn read, pursing his lips in thought "Ummm Dracula?"

"Too easy" Pinhead said, sitting at the table "Maybe it's Pumpkinhead"

"No, he's too busy stalking for some hick farmer right now" Djinn said, sighing.

"Have you ever thought of maybe action or sci fi characters?" Chucky grumbled, walking into the kitchen "I think I know who it might be"

"Who?" Djinn and Pinhead asked in unison.

"Riddick" Chucky said simply "He hates the light because of his eyes, and he's a Furion who loves to murder"

"It's a possibility" Djinn said, thoughtful "I don't know anyone else with that description"

As if on cue, a window shattered in the main room.

"What was that?" Pinhead demanded, standing up "Did I just hear a window break?"

Before anyone else could say anything, a familiar bald headed man with black tinted goggles burst into the room, wielding curved daggers.

"Hah" Chucky said, smirking "I was right. Hey Riddick"

Riddick stopped and lifted his goggles.

"You've gotta be shitting me" he said, putting them back on "They put me in a house full of horror movie characters?"

"Nice to meet you too" Djinn said sarcastically "What prison did you break out of this time?"

"Crematoria" Riddick said proudly, putting his daggers in their hilts before sitting down "So what's the deal with you guys?"

"The playboy mansion was full" Chucky quipped as Freddy came into the kitchen.

"Who the hell is this?" Freddy demanded, glaring at the bald guy sitting at the table

"The playboy mansion was full" Riddick joked, shrugging "So I broke in here"

"Hmmm good one" Pinhead said, chuckling "Frederick, this is Riddick"

"What's the deal with the Christmas sweater?" Riddick asked, eyeing Freddy's sweater "Are you the ghost of hell Christmas present? I mean you're EFC…Extra Freaky Crispy"

"It's NOT A FUCKING CHRISTMAS SWEATER!" Freddy yelled, jabbing a finger knife in Riddick's direction "I'll KILL YOU"

Freddy charged at Riddick, who simply stuck his foot out and grabbed Freddy's glove as he tripped headfirst.

"Hmmm" Riddick said, examining the glove "Looks like Colonel Extra Crispy has way too much time on his hands!

_**Author's Note:**__** Riddick is our new houseguest…Will he kill everyone in sight or will he run away screaming?**_

_**Riddick: **__**Hmmmmm**__** (sniffing) It's been a long time since I smelled beautiful.**_

_**Freddy: Watch it, man! She has quite the attitude.**_

_**Synn**__**: (waves hand and glues Freddy's mouth shut) I apologize in advance for Krueger…but keep the sweet charming talk going. I like it.**_

_**Riddick: It's my pleasure! (**__**watches**__** Freddy as he turns blue from lack of oxygen)**_

_**Synn**__**: Riddick, you can be my bodyguard from now on…if someone pisses me off, you can kill him.**_

_**Riddick: With pleasure (smirks at Freddy as **__**Synn**__** unglues his mouth)**_

_**Freddy: (panting hard and breathing as he slowly turns back to his normal color) **__**You**__** guys are nuts!**_

_**Riddick: At least I'm not singed beyond recognition. Now back off and stay away from our author!**_

_**Freddy: (grumbles and walks away)**_


	11. Riddick Makes Himself at Home

_**This keeps getting better and better!!**_

_**Riddick: (holding an irate Ash) **__**Synn**__**, I caught him trying to cop a feel when he was vacuuming under your desk. What can I do with him?**_

_**Synn**____**Hmmmm**__**…(**__**thinking) The doggie doo eating didn't work last time. I say you dump him in a room of dirty diapers and make him stay in there without proper ventilation. (**__**uses**__** author powers to fill a windowless, **__**ventless**__** room upstairs with dirty diapers)**_

_**Chucky: Finally! (**__**jumps**__** onto **__**Synn's**__** lap) Time to cop a feel! (**__**reaches**__** out)**_

_**Synn**__**: RIDDICK!!!!**_

_**(Riddick comes bursting into the room, plucking Chucky off of **__**Synn's**__** lap)**_

_**Riddick: Stupid little piece of plastic! Get your dolly hands off of our author!**_

_**Chucky: I'll "little piece of plastic you!**__**".**__** Stupid criminal (thrashes about)**_

_**Riddick: What shall I do with this one?**_

___**Synn**__** smirks and makes Tiffany appear out of nowhere, wielding a whip)**_

_**Synn**__**: Hello Tiffany. Your darling dolly husband just tried to grab my tits!**_

_**Tiffany: You perverted bastard! (Charges at Riddick, who manages to hold onto Chucky)**_

_**Synn**__**: Time for part two (Puts Tiffany and Chucky in a room that locks from the outside).**_

_**Disclaimer:**__** I do not own any of these characters! To do so would be a travesty! Oh and I don't own the Surreal Life either. But I wish I owned **__**Vin**__** Diesel! **__**:P**_

_… "So, Riddick" Pinhead said, crossing his legs as he sat in the chair "Tell me of the tortures of the __Necromongers__"_

_"I wiped their leader out" Riddick said, flipping a dagger expertly "Not much to tell of their tortures except that when they want to convert you, they stick these giant spikes right below your ears"_

_"__Ahh__ out of the mouths of babes" Pinhead breathed, smiling faintly__ "I would love to meet them someday and compare torture techniques"_

_"Can we change the subject please?" __Candyman__ said, rolling his eyes "How about you tell us more about yourself, Riddick"_

_"Ah that's simple" Riddick said, putting the dagger back in its hilt "I've been a murderer for as long as I can remember. I just recently learned I was a __Furion__ and took on the supreme leader of the __Necromongers__, who was supposedly a holy half-dead man or something like that"_

_"What's with those stupid goggles?" Freddy demanded, snickering "You look like a gay spaceman!"_

_Without warning, Riddick lunged at Freddy and used his dagger to put a big gash on his arm. _

_"__Yeeeeooowww__" Freddy yelped__ jumping out of his seat as his cut oozed green blood "What was that for?"_

_"Never taunt a murderer" Riddick said, wiping his blade on Freddy's sweater "Especially when it comes to his sexual identity"_

_The room erupted into laughter. They could even tell that Michael and Jason were laughing because of the way their shoulders were shaking._

_"Oh sure" Freddy grumbled, healing himself "Have a laugh at my expense. He makes one wisecrack and you're on the floor, laughing your asses off…I give you gold and you do nothing!"_

_"That's because his jokes are actually good" Chucky __bwahhed__, rolling his eyes at Freddy "Your jokes are old and crusty…like the underwear you never change"_

_The whole room erupted in laughter as Freddy yelled a whole string of obscenities._

_"Does it always get this crazy?" Riddick asked "I mean, Extra Freaky Crispy over there is really annoying"_

_"Tell us about it" Pinhead said, rolling his eyes "All he wants is to kill his little __piggies__"_

_"Little __piggies__?"__ Riddick snorted with laughter "Did he have sex with Mother Goose or something? That's lame!"_

_"I'll give you lame, you gay spaceman" Freddy growled, lunging at him._

_"We went through this before, Frederica" __Djinn__ said, waving his hand to put him in suspended animation "Riddick kicked your ass"_

_"I think it's an improvement, __Djinn__" Riddick said, laughing "I wish you'd keep him in that state all night"_

_"As you wish" __Djinn__ grinned, happy to do his part "Since you're a guest of honor, I won't take your soul"_

_"Since you won't take my soul, I won't kill you all" Riddick said, smirking "Well except for Freddy, especially if he gets on my nerves"_

_"Hey Riddick" Chucky asked "Is it true that you killed those monsters on that planet? __Y'know__…that dark planet"_

_"Of course it's true" Riddick said, smirking "It was great"_

_Jason wrote furiously on the notepad before handing it to Riddick. Riddick read it before answering._

_"Well Jason" Riddick exclaimed "I was in a slam where there was no sunlight and there was this doctor that performed the procedure in exchange for menthol cigarettes. Helped me out in Crematoria with those wolves"_

_"Interesting" __Candyman__ said as Freddy yelled and thrashed about. "Pinhead, do something about this!"_

_"With pleasure" Pinhead said, making one of his hooks appear and catch Freddy at the scruff of his neck. He then willed the hook to fling Freddy into a soundproof room._

_**Author's Note:**__** Damn, Riddick was the best idea of all! He really kicks ass!**_

_**Riddick: Glad I could be of service (holds up a screaming Freddy) Can I kill him?**_

_**Synn**__**: I don't think so, Riddick. He seems to be a high testing character. But I have an idea. (**__**locks**__** Freddy in a room with insane **__**fangirls**__**) That should do it.**_

___**Synn**__** and Riddick share a laugh as Freddy's high pitched screams fill the mansion)**_

_**Ash: Who the hell is screaming like a girl? (**__**glares**__** at the author and her bodyguard) What does he have that I don't?**_

_**Synn**__**: Muscles and two hands! Not to mention a really cute butt. You just have a big chin.**_

_**Riddick: Step away form the author, maid!**_

_**(Ash backs away in fear)**_


	12. DracDracDracDracDracula

_**Okay, okay…so the emergence of Riddick didn't test well. Darn. Well then I am going to introduce another character that fans all around the world are bound to remember and love.**_

_**Riddick: Are you getting rid of me?**_

_**Synn**__**: Heavens, no! I'm just adding another character.**_

_**Freddy: Great! (**__**groans**___

_**Djinn**__**: He better be cool.**_

_**Synn**__**: He's a little eccentric compared to you guys, BUT, I assure that he is a killer. As he is so fond of pointing out, his "Aesthetic desires often overrule his financial wisdom"**_

_**DISCLAIMER:**__** I don't own anything so get off my back and send your bloodthirsty mob to a more deserving creature!**_

… The next morning, Ash went to retrieve the paper. Mentally cursing Freddy and Djinn as a cold breeze flew through his short skirt, he picked up the paper.

"What the hell" he mumbled, reading the paper "Another houseguest? Are they nuts?"

Grumbling, he headed back into the house, tossing the paper on the kitchen table before starting his early morning chores.

"Yeeargh" he yelled, noticing a pile of doggie doo on the otherwise clean floor "Fuck you, Krueger!"

Freddy's laughter filled the house before he appeared in the kitchen, grabbing the newspaper.

"Morning, Colonel Crispy" Riddick taunted him as he came into the living room "What do you have there?"

"Oh un-fucking-believable!" Freddy roared, throwing the paper at Riddick "We have another fucking houseguest coming today"

Pulling the newspaper off of his head, Riddick glared at Freddy before reading.

"All it says is that he's the son of the Devil" Riddick said, scoffing "And that he's a very powerful man"

"For all we know, it's superman!" Freddy growled, kicking the ottoman in front of him "That doesn't narrow anything down"

"Whoa I hope Ash read this" Riddick said, setting the paper down "He has to roll out the red carpet for this guy, who will be here--"

As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

"ASHLEY" Freddy barked, making a red carpet appear in the house "Answer the damn door already"

Ash answered the door to see a gaunt man with slightly wild hair standing there, clad in a turtleneck, a blazer, and black slacks. There was something ominous about him, almost deadite-like but wholly human.

"May I help you?" Ash inquired, setting his feather duster down and eyeing the zombie-like man. He itched to grab his boomstick.

"I am here to announce the arrival of Alexander Lucard" the man said, with a slight lisp as he gestured towards the black Mercedes behind him.

"Alexander who?"

"Alexander Lucard" said an irritated yet cultured voice nearby. Ash jumped as he saw a blonde man with eerie bluish grey eyes standing behind the weird man.

"I guess you must be our new houseguest" Ash said, eyeing the expensively dressed man with interest "The paper didn't say you were gay"

"I beg your pardon?" Alexander Lucard said, glaring at Ash murderously "I am far from being a homosexual"

He then turned to his servant.

"Felix, bring my bags in" he said, making an undistinguishable motion with his left wrist as he pushed past Ash to get inside.

"Welcome to the horror shit show" Ash muttered under his breath as he closed the door.

"I heard that" Lucard said, walking into the main room.

Freddy and Riddick sat there, eyeing the seemingly human man walking in as if he owned the place.

"Greetings and felicitations, gentlemen" Lucard said politely, bowing "I take it that you are two of my housemates"

"Who the hell are you?" Freddy demanded, taking a look at Lucard with narrowed eyes "The paper didn't say anything about you being gay"

"I assure you I am not gay" Lucard said, irritated "I just happen to have superior taste in clothes that are stylish and functional"

"You don't belong here" Freddy sneered, jabbing Lucard in the chest with a finger knife "You should go home to whatever faggoty country you're from"

Without warning, Lucard lashed out, throwing Freddy against the wall. Riddick was about to say something but noticed how Lucard's eyes blazed a bright greenish yellow color and sat still.

"Someone should teach this ignoramus some manners" Lucard said, hissing and baring his fangs "Especially around the King of Vampires"

Without warning, Ash burst into the room, firing a round with his boomstick, nearly hitting Lucard with a single shot before the gun was quickly snatched away from his grasp.

"Tell me, maid" Lucard hissed, baring his fangs in a predatory grin "Do you enjoy being sexually confused?"

"Care to tell me what's going on?" Djinn inquired, standing in the doorway, watching the spectacle "Ash, step away from him. He's Dracula, you moron!"

"Drac..drac…Drac…Drac…Dracula?" Ash mumbled, his face going white "Ohhh shit"

"Hello Djinn" Lucard said, cooling down somewhat and returning to his normal form "It's been a few centuries since we last spoke"

"Believe me when I say that nothing has changed" Djinn said, gesturing for Lucard to follow him to the kitchen "This mansion is swarming with idiots"

"Your powers of deduction never fail to impress me ever so slightly" Lucard said smoothly, acting like his normal self again…

_**For those of you who do not know who Alexander Lucard is, then you haven't watched Dracula: The Series, a Canadian-made show for kids (and adults) that originally aired in 1990. I am sure die hard fans like **__**myself**__** will get the "**__**Drac**__**…**__**Drac**__**…**__**Drac**__**…**__**Drac**__**…Dracula" reference ;)**_

_**Lucard: It is so nice to meet new blood (eyes **__**Synn's**__** neck hungrily)**_

_**Synn**____**Ehhh**__** Lucard, it won't work on me.**_

_**Lucard: Whatever do you mean, my dear? (**__**keeps**__** eyeing her neck)**_

_**Synn**__**: I**__**'m a Sanguinarian vampire.**_

_**Lucard: Well, knock me down with a feather!**_

_**Synn**__**: You know, Lucard, we are very similar in nature.**_

_**Lucard: I beg to differ (eyes her outfit with disdain).**_

_**Synn**__**: I am a vampire and I am a businesswoman.**_

_**Lucard: Good for you! (**__**rolls**__** eyes) I'm so impressed.**_

_**Riddick: Okay you've harassed the lady long enough, take a hike Dracula!**_


	13. Carrie Comes Into the Fold

_**Author's note:**__** I would like to apologize for the writer's block again but it hits me at the worst times, please don't hurt me!**_

_**Riddick: (stands in front of Synn) Never fear, Riddick is here!**_

_**Ash: What a homo! (snickers)**_

_**Riddick: I heard that! (charges at Ash with his daggers)**_

_**Ash: Owwwwww! Synn, get rid of this animal! (Cowers and holds gushing wound on his arm)**_

_**Synn: This is what happens when you piss a woman off! Either she or her bodyguard will humble you!**_

_**Riddick: (advances on the bloodthirsty author mob as they back away from the murderer) Who else wants a piece of Synn? You'll have to get through me first!**_

_**Lucard: Hmmm, impressive (applauds) Miss Synn, I do believe you are worthy of my praise. Bravo!**_

_Disclaimer:__ I own nothing. All the characters are property of different famous people, including my newest addition to the houseguests._

Freddy awoke the next day to the sound of a male voice barking orders. Rolling his blue eyes, he got out of bed and trudged downstairs to the kitchen, where the sound was coming from.

Much to his chagrin, he saw Lucard sitting there with a cordless phone as he talked intently to whoever was on the other end.

"I told you, Mr. Moustapha" Lucard said, obviously irritated "You cannot raise the price on me in the middle of this merger. You have no idea with whom you're dealing with…I will be after you so fast in court that you'll soil your drawers before I win"

Freddy stood in the doorway, before heading out to grab the Surreal Life newspaper. Lucard's voice was even audible outside.

"Dumbass" Freddy muttered, picking the paper up. Before he could stand up straight, he was suddenly knocked down by an impenetrable force.

"I heard that" Lucard hissed, snatching the paper from Freddy's glove hand "I'll be needing this, thank you"

With that, he sauntered inside, leaving Freddy to catch his breath and curse.

Freddy stood up, smoothing his sweater while he grumbled. He then sensed a presence behind him and turned around. He was shocked to see a young teenage girl standing there.

"Why hello, little piggy" Freddy greeted her "How may I help you?"



"I…I'm Carrie White" the girl stammered, looking away from his face as she smoothed out her blood stained dress "I'm your new housemate…and I'm n…not a little piggy"

"A pleasure meeting you, little piggy" Freddy said, smiling evilly as he blocked the doorway "How may I be of assistance?"

He was suddenly taken aback at the fury in her wide eyes. He felt himself being lifted up.

"What the hell!" Freddy roared as his head collided with the ceiling of the porch. He collided again…and again…and again as the girl walked slowly into the house. After she went inside, Freddy fell, landing on his butt…

… Lucard sat in the kitchen, ending his phone conversation as he read the Surreal Times.

"Lovely" he muttered, reading the headline "We have a new housemate. Hmmm it's a telekinetic girl."

He smiled in spite of himself…he was always great with the ladies.

"Perhaps" he thought to himself, the bloodlust consuming him "I can have her as my snack. I could always use a female zombie"

He laughed quietly, thinking of the possibilities that would ensue. His laughter was cut short though.

"Um..he…hello" said a female voice from the doorway "I..Is this the Surr..Surreal Life Mansion?"

"Why, yes it is, m'dear" Lucard said, turning to look at the girl. He got a glimpse of the blood on the silky dress and his hunger began to consume him "Welcome. I am Alexander Lucard, but you can call me Alexander"

"M..my name is Carrie White" the girl stuttered, staring at Lucard with wide blue eyes "Y..You're Dr..Dracula"

"And you're that telekinetic girl" Lucard said, smiling as he took her hand and kissed it. "I've heard of you, mademoiselle."

"Y…You have?" Carrie said, still staring at him with wide eyes. He was a devilishly handsome man.

"Yes" Lucard said, his tone turning sympathetic "I felt bad when I heard how the kids at Bates High tormented you at your senior prom. Rest assured, I will make sure your stay here is comfortable"

"What's going on?" Djinn demanded, appearing into the room "I heard Freddy yelling"

"Djinn, my boy" Lucard said, a wry smile on his face "I'd like you to meet Carrie White"

"Oh my" Djinn said, turning into his human form "I've heard about you Carrie. Don't be ashamed of who or what you are. We're all the same here."



With that, Djinn waved his hand, making Carrie's dress appear as immaculate as it was the day she first put it on.

"Thank you" she said, a thin smile forming on her serious face "My dress is pretty again"

Riddick entered the kitchen, stopping short.

"Hmmm" he sniffed, walking closer to Carrie "And who might this be?"

"Riddick" Djinn said cordially "This is Carrie White. Carrie, this is Riddick"

"It's been a long time since I've smelled beautiful" Riddick said, as Carrie blushed, mumbling something to herself.

Jason and Michael walked into the kitchen, both cocking their heads at the sight of Carrie. Jason whipped out his machete and Michael took a carving knife from the counter.

"Easy boys" Djinn said, making the weapons disappear "Is that any way to treat our new housemate? This is Carrie White"

Jason's eyes widened and he ran from the room. If he were able to speak, he would have been screaming madly.

"What's with him?" Riddick asked, stifling the laughter that rose to his lips "I thought he wasn't afraid of anything but water"

"He had a bad experience with a telekinetic girl named Tina Shepard" Djinn explained to everyone "He's a little gunshy but he'll come around"

"What about maggot head?" Freddy demanded, limping into the kitchen "Jason's scared of something else?"

He then caught sight of Carrie and backed out of the kitchen slowly. He passed Candyman and Pinhead in a mad dash upstairs.

"What's with him?" Pinhead questioned, frowning "You would think he was suffering"

"Something must have scared him" Candyman said, rubbing his chin with his hook in thought "And I think that something is in the kitchen"

"We better investigate" Pinhead said as they entered the kitchen "I must simply see what is tormenting Frederick"

"Ah" Lucard said, waving the two of them over "Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our new housemate, Carrie White"

"We heard Frederick screaming" Pinhead said, staring at Carrie warily "What has scared our dear friend?"



"I…I was j…just teaching him a lesson" Carrie said, blushing "He kept calling me little piggy. Seeing as how my dress was covered in pig's blood, I got upset. Bad things happen when I'm upset"

"Out of the mouths of babes" Pinhead said, smiling with approval "Welcome to our somewhat dysfunctional house"

"Hey" Riddick said, sniffing around the room "Where's Chucky?"

"I think he went to go torment our dear Ashley" Lucard said, glancing at his Rolex watch "We should be hearing the result soon"

As if on cue, Ash's terrified screams filled the air.

"Chucky you deadite whore" Ash yelled from upstairs "Just wait until I get my hands on you. If you think it's bad being made of plastic, having a shot-off dick is worse!"

Carrie's eyes widened at what she heard.

The rest of the housemates all collectively sighed in exasperation.

_**Now that was interesting! Will Ash get revenge on whatever made him scream?**_

_**Ash: Stupid Barbie doll. Drawing pictures of me doing unmentionable sexual things to deadites. That doll is dead!**_

_**Synn: Do I even want to know? (pinches bridge of nose as Ash walks away, grumbling)**_

_**Carrie: Eve was weak…Mama always said Eve was weak.**_

_**Synn: Ehhh I think Lucard should steer clear of this one. (sighs as Lucard enters)**_

_**Lucard: Greetings and felicitations. (smiles menacingly at Carrie)**_

_**Carrie: Eve was weak…Eve was weak.**_

_**(Synn rolls eyes as Lucard advances on Carrie, his eyes golden in vampiric state)**_

_**Lucard: Has anyone ever told you how lovely your skin tone is? (hisses and advances)**_

_**Carrie: Eve was weak (reaches under her dress and pulls out a blessed cross)**_

_**Lucard: Noooooooo (Recoils and hisses). Aggh For the love of Lucifer (disappears)**_

_**Synn: Um, anybody want to kill me now?**_


	14. Elimination Time Part III

_**Author's Note:**__** It's amazing how the ideas flow freely after a lengthy bout of writer's block. There are way too many housemates now so it's the second round of eliminations! Our special guest is a special Judge from American Idol. (snickers)**_

_**Ash: Please don't eliminate me yet…I want to get my revenge on Chucky (whines)**_

_**Synn: Pipe down, Ash! I have a headache!**_

_**Lucard: Tsk tsk, Synn. (Wags finger) You need to feed. I shall call Dr. Varney to come in.**_

_**Riddick: You will do no such thing! (flashes crucifix in Lucard's direction , causing him to disappear, hissing)**_

_**Synn: I owe you one, Riddick.**_

_**Riddick: Just pay it forward.**_

_DISCLAIMER:__ I own nothing. Send the bloodthirsty mobs elsewhere._

Lucard awoke early the next morning, hissing in dismay at the open curtains. The sun drastically lit up the room, singing Lucard's eyes. Cursing, he disappeared and teleported downstairs.

"I might as well go and get the paper" he grumbled, smoothing his impeccable hair back "I wonder what drivel my precious mind will be exposed to today?"

He went outside and retrieved the paper. He read the headline, smirking.

"Someone will be eliminated today" Lucard said, grinning to himself "American Idol style. It will be a pleasure to finally meet Simon Cowell"

Lucard laughed, picturing the insults that Simon would freely use on the houseguests.

His mirth grew as he saw the list of housemates that were safe from being in the competition. His name was at the top of the list. He wasn't surprised to see Jason and Michael on the list, due to their lack of speech. It wouldn't have been fair.

"This shall make for an interesting afternoon" Lucard laughed, walking into the house.

"What will?" Chucky demanded, nearly making Lucard stumble.

"Oh Charles" Lucard said, glaring at the killer doll momentarily before regaining his composure "I hope you know how to sing. You'll never guess who our host is this time!"

"Gimme that" Freddy said, appearing out of nowhere and ripping the paper out of Lucard's hands "Oh no…not him"

"Who?" Chucky demanded as Freddy fumed and growled "Who is our guest host?"



"Simon Cowell" Lucard said, his eyes golden in vampiric state as he hissed at Freddy. "I will have the distinct honor…and pleasure…of watching you all fail miserably"

"Lucky bastard" Freddy muttered, reading the exclusions list "This sucks. I wanna call my lawyer"…

… The housemates all gathered around, waiting for the arrival of their host. Being in a nervous mood, Djinn decided to let Ash dress in a suit instead of his usual French maid uniform.

"This is insufferable" Lucard said, staring impatiently at his Rolex "The least he could do is show up on time"

As if on cue, the doorbell rang.

"Welcome to the shit show House of Horrors" they heard Ash greet their host "My name is Ash and I will be your doorman this evening"

"Oh bloody hell" they heard Simon comment from the foyer "I certainly hope you won't be a part of this you toerag"

"He's arrived" Freddy said dryly, rolling his eyes "Let this torture be over with soon!"…

'Bloody hell' Simon thought, his eyes narrowed as Candyman stood up to sing 'I certainly hope he doesn't sing a song from Peter Pan'

Much to his chagrin, Candyman started singing a near perfect rendition of "Music of the Night" from The Phantom of the Opera. Having heard Freddy Krueger butchering his rendition of "Can You hear Me Knockin'" by the Rolling Stones and Pinhead doing the same to "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane, it was a nice change.

"Well" Simon said, taking notes before giving Candyman a look "That didn't completely suck."

Somewhat satisfied with Simon's comment, Candyman sat down, pleased with himself. Djinn stood up, ready to sing.

"I'll be singing 'You Raise Me Up' by Josh Groban" Djinn said, in his human form.

"Go on" Simon said, leaning back in his chair. With that, Djinn belted out a perfect rendition of the song. It was very pleasing to Simon's ears.

"Bravo" Simon said, giving him a steely gaze "That didn't completely suck either. Next please!"

Chucky stood on the couch, clearing his throat.

"I'll be doing 'Turn me Loose' by Loverboy" he said, not noticing that Ash had come into the room.

"Go on" Simon sighed, rolling his eyes "It'll be horrible anyways"



As Chucky cleared his throat again, he was aware of a presence behind him. He spun around seeing Ash standing next to Jason, an insane smile on his lips.

Chucky started to sing.

"Turn me loose…turn me loose…turn me loose" Chucky sang, noticing a weird feeling creep up his back "I gotta have it my way"

Before he could continue, he suddenly felt very itchy and started twitching around, falling to the floor. No matter what he tried, the itch consumed him. He started twitching and screaming.

"That's enough" Simon said sternly "That is by far the absolute worst performance I have ever seen. Don't quit your day job"

He stood up and walked into the Rumpus room, armed with his notes.

"Bloody hell" Simon said to himself, rolling his eyes "I don't think this will be a hard decision at all"

He looked over his notes, absently wishing he could have a nice tall glass of vodka to wash the repulsed feeling in his throat.

"Chucky is already eliminated" Simon muttered to himself as he shook his head ruefully "That was horrible"

His eyes then fell onto the notes he made about Pinhead. Chuckling evilly to himself, he gathered his notes and returned to the living room…

… "OH MY GOD" Chucky groaned, trying in vain to scratch his back "It itches…IT ITCHES!!"

"Let me help you with that" Ash said, smirking "I've got something that will clear that right up"

"Wait" Djinn hissed, gesturing to the doorway "Here comes Simon"

After a brief moment of silence, Simon stood before the housemates, speaking up.

"I'd like to say this was a hard decision, but I'm sure you know what my tastes are when it comes to performers" Simon said, closing his notebook "Since my ears are still horrified at the atrocious singing, I've decided to eliminate two of you"

"This should be interesting" Freddy said, folding his arms across his chest hopefully

"Eliminated contestant number one" Simon said, smirking "Pinhead or whatever you call yourself. Pack up and go"

"Such a shame" Pinhead said airily, standing up and advancing on Simon "I have such sights to show you"

"Don't even start" Simon said, unafraid "I am not a homosexual"



Pinhead stopped dead in his tracks, glaring at Simon.

"Eliminated contestant number two" Simon said, still smirking "Chucky…by god, man. You have less talent than Paris Hilton did in her pornographic video"

"WHAT" Chucky shrieked, struggling to stand up as the itch still consumed him "I have no talent?"

Without warning, Ash came up behind him, dumping a bucket of ice cold water on him.

"That'll clear it right up" Ash said, grinning at the sopping wet doll as the group erupted into laughter "I'll show you out, Mr. Cowell"

"Thank god!" Simon exclaimed, following Ash out to the foyer…

_**Creative genius again! The house was getting too full as it is.**_

_**Ash: Yahoo! I got my revenge on Chucky! (dances up and down)**_

_**Lucard: To quote Mr. Cowell, don't quit your day job, Ashley. (Ash stops and glares)**_

_**Freddy: Finally that whipped little bastard is sent home to his wife.**_

_**Synn: Don't celebrate just yet, a new housemate is coming up.**_

_**Lucard: Excellent. I never pass up the chance to meet new…blood.**_

_**Synn: I need to get out of here…far away.**_

_**Freddy: Oh Ashley (calls Ash mockingly) I need you!**_

_**Ash: What do you want, Colonel Crispy? (glares)**_

_**Freddy: It's not what I want (lauches a yowling deadite kitten at his face)**_

_**Ash: (screams as the deadite kitten gouges his face out) I'm going to kill you, Kruger!**_

_**Lucard: Gentlemen, conflict makes me thirsty!**_

_**Synn: Yes, I need to move far…FAR…FAR AWAY! (slides under desk in sheer frustration)**_


	15. Jason's Birthday Part I

I know it's been a while since my last update but I have a good excuse

**I know it's been a while since my last update but I have a good excuse!**

**Freddy: Yeah right! (blows raspberry) You were too busy taking money you evil accountant.**

**Synn: (seals Freddy's mouth shut) Anyways, this chappie is extra special because today is an extra special day. Well, not only special, because it has a double meaning!**

**Djinn: Oh mistress author, why is today very special?**

**Synn: Someone is celebrating his birthday (stands up and searches for said person)**

**Djinn: Come again?**

**Freddy: (Makes strangling noises as he struggles to breathe)**

**Yes, it's Friday June 13****th****. All of us horror fans know whose birthday it is!**

**DISCLAIMER:**** I don't own any of these guys so go bug someone else!**

Lucard awoke the next morning, appearing at the porch to grab the paper. With a muffled hiss, he noticed it wasn't there.

Hissing louder, he appeared in the kitchen to see Djinn and Jason sitting at the table.

"Where's the paper?" he intoned coolly, leaning against the counter lazily. Jason avoided his steely gaze, pretending to be absorbed in a stain on the floor. Djinn shrugged.

Shaking his head and rolling his eyes, he left the room. Jason sighed in relief.

"What's with you?" Djinn demanded, trying to take a good look at Jason who quickly turned away.

"Hey guys" Riddick said, sauntering into the kitchen "I found the paper. Time to read!"

Jason saw that as his cue to make an abrupt exit, leaving Djinn and Riddick to stare after him in wonder.

"What's with him?" Riddick asked, sitting at the table as Freddy appeared, snatching the newspaper out of his hands.

"Beats me" Freddy said, snickering at the death glare he received from Riddick. His mirth was cut short, however, when he got a good look at the front page.

"What's wrong?" Djinn asked, noticing the look on Freddy's face "What's up for today?"

"Somebody ripped out today's date and the front page article!" Freddy grumbled, letting a string of obscenities follow the previous sentence.

"Now who would do something like that?" Riddick demanded, frowning and folding his arms across his thickly muscled chest.

Freddy sat there, thinking momentarily. After an obvious epiphany, he started chuckling.

"Djinn" Freddy asked, "Who do you think was the first person to see the paper?"

"My guess is Jason" he replied, remembering Jason's abrupt behavior when Lucard interrogated the both of them "He seemed kinda weird when Lucard wanted to know where the paper was…why?"

"What is today's date?" Freddy asked, smirking "I know today is Friday and that it's June"

"And yesterday was the 12th" Riddick said, quickly adding to the conversation.

"So then today is Friday June 13th" Djinn said, shrugging "What's so special about today? It's just a superstitious day"

"Not when your name is Jason Voorhees" Freddy said, laughing "It's Jason's birthday today"

"Now I get it" Djinn exclaimed, his fist landing on the table "Jason probably didn't want us to know that today was his birthday. You know how shy he gets"

"So then he tore the newspaper to hide the fact so that nobody would make a big deal out of it." Riddick finished, grinning "Hell of a way to go"

"This gives me an idea" Freddy said, cackling evilly before filling the other two in on his plan.

"Oh that is devious" Riddick said, grinning after Freddy finished "Can we pull this off?"

"Of course" Freddy scoffed, leaning back in his chair "You have a Djinn and a Dream Demon at your service. We can get everything we need!"

After Freddy finished his sentence, the doorbell rang.

"Who might that be?" Djinn asked curiously as he looked at Freddy and Riddick.

"Beats me" Freddy said, sitting straight "ASHLEY GO ANSWER THE DOOR!!"

Riddick's eyes fell on the front page of the Surreal Life Newspaper.

"I think that's our new houseguest" Riddick said, shrugging.

Soon after Ash answered the door, a semi-gorgeous woman with tightly curled auburn hair walked into the kitchen carrying a huge equipment bag.

"Well, well, well" Djinn said, taking a good look at her "Who do we have here?"

"Don't tell me that you famous killers haven't heard of my work" the girl said, her hands on her slender hips.

"It would help if we got your name, bitch" Freddy said, rolling his eyes "We hear shit like that all the time"

"My name is Angela" the girl snapped, glaring death at Freddy, who stared at her warily.

"Nope" Freddy said, "Doesn't ring a bell"

"I committed the murders in the Sleepaway Camp movies" she said, tossing her equipment bag to the ground.

"Sorry, miss" Djinn said, shrugging "We still don't know"

Muttering angrily to herself, she picked up her bag and slunk out of the room.

"Bitch" Freddy muttered, flipping the bird to her back…

**Okay, someone has to know which villainess I am talking about!**

**Jason: (writes furiously and shows Synn) She used my mask once, didn't she?**

**Synn: Yes she did, Jason.**

**Candyman: I think I know who you're talking about…Angela…I remember hearing something peculiar about her.**

**Synn: I'm not giving any more clues.**

**Ash: I know! I know! (jumps up and down)**

**(Everyone else groans in unison)**

**Synn: Alright, Ash…who is she and what is so weird about her?**

**Ash: (puffs out chest and chin proudly) Her name is Angela and she was born a man!**

**Synn: (rolls eyes) Bingo!**

**Freddy: EWWW GROSS!! (he gets hit in the face with a brick and lands on his back with his eyes as anime type spirals)**


	16. Jason's Birthday Part II

So, it's Jason's 61st Birthday…I wonder what hijinks the guys will get into

**So, it's Jason's 61****st**** Birthday…I wonder what hijinks the guys will get into!**

**Freddy: (On the phone) Hello, is this Jessica Kimble? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of your mute Uncle Jason. I'm sure you know today is his birthday. I was wondering if you'd like to kill him for me**

**Synn: FREDDY!!**

**Freddy: (gulps) Uh, I mean I was wondering if you'd like to visit the mansion to help with the celebrations….you will? Perfect! Bring your daughter too (snickers as he hangs up)**

**Synn: (Stands in front of Freddy, tapping foot impatiently) What did we all tell you about killing?**

**Djinn: Yeah Freddy! (mimicks Synn's stance)**

**Freddy: Kiss my ass!**

**Synn: What was that, Freddy? (advances on him with predatory grin)**

**Freddy: (gulps) Uh…I meant kick my ass…heh…heh**

**Synn: With pleasure (gives Freddy a hard front kick to the ass, launching him across the room and on top of Ash)**

**Djinn: I swear those two are going to get married someday.**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON!**

**DISCLAIMER:**** I swear I don't own these guys…they just like to follow me home from work!**

"Thanks…bye" Freddy said, hanging up with a smirk on his face "I did it"

"You did what?" Lucard asked, looking at Freddy with disdain "Oh I get it…you finally updated your wardrobe…with luck, one day, your sense of fashion will be just a decade behind"

"Blow me" Freddy replied, flipping Lucard off with his glove hand "I just finalized the preparations for Jason's birthday party"

"Oh, Jason's birthday is today?" Lucard intoned, ignoring Freddy's rude gestures "How old is the slimy zombie anyways?"

"He's 61" Candyman said, sitting across from him "He was 10 when he drowned in 1957, so he was born in 1947…and that makes him 61 if he were human"

"How very interesting" Lucard said, rolling his eyes…

… Jason stood in his bedroom, staring at a picture of his niece Jessica and his great niece Stephanie. They were the only family he had left since his mother died…and God only knew what had happened to his father Elias.

Stroking the picture of the two women, Jason sighed. Today, it was his birthday and he was all alone in a house of psychopaths (not that he wasn't one). For once in his weird lengthened lifetime, he wanted to spend it with family.

"Hello, roomie" a female voice said from behind. Jason whirled around, his hand reaching for his machete. He stopped short when he saw who it was.

"Long time no see, Jason" Angela said, setting her bag down on the bed that Leatherface used when he was still a housemate "I see you're looking well"

Jason wrote something down on his notepad and handed it to her.

"Yeah, it's been a few years since we crossed paths at Crystal Lake" Angela said, sitting on her bed "How is your niece?"

Jason shrugged, sighing.

"I know how you feel" Angela said, somewhat bitterly "All of my real family was killed in that boating accident. My cousin Ricky was a vegetable after Mel beat the snot out of him."

"JASON" Ash's voice was audible from downstairs "COME DOWN! HOUSEMATE MEETING IN THE LIVING ROOM!"

"Looks like that's our cue" Angela said, taking Jason's arm "Let's go!"…

… "Okay" Ash said to the woman with the light blonde hair and the girl with the strawberry blonde hair "He's going to come downstairs soon, so we all have to hide!"

"I can't believe I'm doing this" Jessica Kimble said, rolling her dark eyes at her daughter "But, this is for your great uncle and it's nice to do something like this once in a while, no matter how much you hate their guts"

"Shhhhh" Carrie squeaked, hearing his footsteps "He's coming downstairs!"

Everyone in the room hid behind furniture, struggling to contain their excitement.

"I think they said the living room" they heard Angela say "We better get in there"

As soon as Jason stepped foot into the room, everyone there jumped up and yelled "SURPRISE!!"

Jason's eyes widened underneath his mask. A banner was put on the mantle saying "Happy 61st birthday Jason!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY" they all yelled, stunning him…

… Jason stood there, cocking his head in confusion…how could they know? He went to great lengths to keep it from them.

He looked around the room to see all of his friends and all of his surviving victims in the room, not to mention a big pile of presents and a giant chocolate cake. Jason loved chocolate cake!

Overwhelmed, he looked to Angela, who led him to the La-Z-Boy chair put next to the presents that was designated for him. It was wonderful, but something was missing.

"Happy birthday Uncle Jase!" Stephanie Kimble squealed, jumping onto Jason for a big hug. He couldn't believe it…his great niece was here…in the flesh…the last time he had seen her, she was just an infant…now she was a teenager!

Stunned, he returned the hug, noticing his niece Jessica walking up to them.

"Happy birthday Uncle Jason" Jessica said, flashing a strained smile as she patted him on the back "We still have our differences but we had to come"

Jason looked at his niece and great niece and felt so overwhelmed that he could cry. This was, by far, his best birthday ever!

**Awwwwwww! Jason's enjoying himself!**

**Freddy: (snaps photos of Jason looking misty) Those are some blackmail quality pictures here!**

**Jason: (growls and snatches the camera away from Freddy before smashing it to pieces)**

**Freddy: Ahhh COME ON!**

**Synn: Freddy, you walked into that one.**

**Freddy: Shut up, bitch! (lunges)**

**Synn: (sidesteps and puts him in suspended animation) Baka Freddy!**

**Riddick: Time to take out the trash (Picks Freddy up and takes him away)**


	17. The Inevitable Remake: Part I

_**Cripes! It's been eons since the last chapter! I hope my loyal fans haven't forgotten me!**_

_**Freddy: They sure have forgotten about you! You suck!**_

_**Synn: (glues Freddy's mouth shut) What have I told you about speaking out of turn?**_

_**Freddy: MMMmmmph! MMMMPH! (Turns blue from lack of oxygen)**_

_**Synn: What am I doing? There's a better way to scare him! (makes Freddy's mouth become unglued)**_

_**Freddy: Hah! There's nothing that can scare me!**_

_**Synn: I've heard rumors of a Nightmare on Elm Street remake!! Your trusted portrayer Robert Englund won't be casted as you!**_

_**Freddy: (Gapes at Synn as his jaw hits the ground) NOOOOOOO! Robert Englund did me the best! Who the hell are they going to cast now?**_

_**Synn: Well, Robert DeNiro did a good job as Frankenstein's monster! Or even better...maybe Jim Carrey or Steve Carrell?**_

_**Freddy: (faints at the thought of Jim Carrey portraying him)**_

_**Ash: Uhh on with the story! (Pulls Freddy's unconscious body out of the room)**_

**DISCLAIMER****: I own nothing, so don't try and sue me!!**

**As we all know, since the Friday the 13****th**** remake is in theatres, A Nightmare on Elm street remake is also in the works...lets see how Freddy deals with it!**

Ash stood in the messy living room, groaning in distaste over the amount of cleaning up he had to do as a result of Jason's Birthday party. Wrapping paper and dead bodies were strewn across the floor. (Author's note: I know one of the rules was that killing was forbidden but the stipulation was only for Freddy since the censors were deathly afraid of Jason)

"Stupid Freddy the screwhead" Ash grumbled to himself as he piled the corpses in the corner "Did he have to invite the surviving victims to this place?"

After sweeping up the wrapping paper and scattered limbs from the floor, he began to mop up the partially dried blood. As he wrung out the mop, the doorbell rang.

"Now who can this be?" Ash grumbled, opening the door. Much to his chagrin, a familiar looking middle aged blonde man stood there.

"Welcome to the Horror House" Ash mumbled, trying to remember who he was.

"Yes" the blonde man said "I need to talk with Freddy...it's urgent!"

"Hold on, bucko" Ash said, eyeing the urgent man "Who might you be?" 

"You dumbass!" the man spat out "I'm Robert Englund! I need to see Freddy right now!"

"Very well" Ash said, letting him inside "I will go fetch him....FREDDY!!! GET YOUR BURNT ASS DOWN HERE!"

Freddy appeared, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"What the hell" he roared "What the hell do you fucking want?"

"Hello, Freddy" Robert said, walking up to his character "There is an urgent matter we need to discuss"

"Oh?" Freddy inquired, yawning "Now what can that be?"

"They're remaking our movies" Robert said, watching Ash as he strutted back into the living room to resume mopping.

"WHAT?!!!"

"I know...people are remaking everything nowadays" Robert said, choking back a sob "The worst part is that I won't be portraying you anymore"

"WHAT?!!" Freddy roared in a voice that was loud enough to wake up the rest of the household "Who will be playing me now?"

"I...I don't know" Robert replied "So many A-list names are in the works...they might be going with Jim Carrey or Steve Carrell...I perfected your character! They can't do this!"

Freddy remained silent, picturing Steve Carrell portraying him before letting out a little growl.

"I am not comic relief" Freddy growled "How can I scare the piggies when they have funnymen portraying me?"

"All I know is that some hopeful A-List actors are coming here later on to study your character" Robert said, handing him the Surreal Life newspaper "Whatever you do, don't kill any of them"

"Why me" Freddy groaned...

... Much later, the living room was full of A-list actors schmoozing with Freddy and the rest of the housemates. Among them were Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, Tom Cruise and even Tommy Lee Jones.

Ash was busily serving the guests with a bit of help from Carrie and Angela while Freddy did his best to keep himself and Jason in line. Apparently Jason wasn't too happy with his remake either.

"So, Freddy" Tom Cruise said, following the dream demon around like a faithful dog "What would you say is the best part of being you?"

"The killings" Freddy replied with an evil twinkle in his eyes "Do you think you could portray a humble killer like me?"

"I can be anybody" Tom Cruise said, forcing a laugh "I'm one of the greatest actors that ever lived!"

"Well, Mission Impossible points out the opposite" Freddy said, barking out a laugh at his expense "Or maybe you'll be dancing in your undies as me too"

Tom Cruise turned red and hastily backed away.

"One down, several to go" Freddy laughed, taking Tom Cruise off his mental list.

"Ah, Freddy" said a drunken voice "There you are"

"Oh no" Freddy moaned, turning to face another A-list actor "Not Russell Crowe!"

"Hey, mate" the Aussie actor said, chugging a bottle of beer as he put his arm around Freddy "Do you think a bloke like me could play you?"

Freddy moaned.

"Only if you sobered up and dumped that bimbo you're married to" Freddy grumbled, smelling the alcohol on his breath.

"What did you just say, you bastard?" Russell Crowe yelled, breaking the empty bottle of beer before lunging at Freddy, who sidestepped him.

"Sorry, mate" Freddy said, grabbing him by the shirt collar "No phones around to protect you! Get out of here!"

With that, he threw Russell Crowe into a table of appetizers. He couldn't help but be satisfied by the sound of the crashing table.

"Two down, several to go"...


	18. The Inevitable Remake: Part II

_**Thank you one and all for not forgetting my story! As a side note, I was kidding about the choices in actors that I named (its all for comedic effect) but I have heard that they want an A-list actor being Freddy. **_

_**Tom Cruise: What do you mean you were kidding? I'm one of the greatest actors in the – AAARRGGGHHHH (Is carried off by Jason)**_

_**Lucard: Hmmmm so Frederick Charles Kruger is getting a character facelift....I'm afraid that's not all he needs.**_

_**Freddy: (snarls) I HEARD THAT! (makes garlic fall on Lucard's head)**_

_**Lucard: (hisses and disappears)**_

_**Ash: I'd like to nominate an A-list grade actor to be Freddy!**_

_**Freddy: Oh is that so?**_

_**Ash: Yep...Bruce Campbell all the way!!!**_

_**Freddy: (howls in exasperation) I can never win!**_

_**Oh and as a side note, I apologize for taking so long. I was at the Eagles concert last night and my attention was focused on a certain member of the band. (giggles mischeivously as Don Henley suddenly appears)**_

_**Don Henley: (blinks) How the heck did I get here? (looks around, caught by surprise when the author jumps onto his lap) What the hell!**_

_**Freddy: (snickers) My friend, you have just been kidnapped by the dark queen herself...I warn you...fangirls are insane (shrieks as he suddenly finds himself in another room full of fangirls with no escape)**_

_**Don Henley: (hears Freddy scream like a girl, arching an eyebrow) Should I be fearing for my life here?**_

_**Synn: Nah you're safe with me (hugs him with a death grip) I'm your biggest fan!**_

_**Djinn: On with the story (rubs temples)**_

_**DISCLAIMER:**__** I own nothing! Ya hear me? NOTHING!!!**_

The party was still going on after a few hours and Freddy was ready to kill some of the actors, censorship or not. He still couldn't believe that one of the pompous asses he was trying to avoid had a chance to portray him.

"Oh god" Freddy moaned as Keanu Reeves said a few of his lines in his presence "Somebody kill me now...or somebody kill him! He has no talent!"

He turned and started walking away when he was approached by Johnny Depp.

"Hey Freddy" Johnny said, clapping him on the back "How long has it been? 24 years?"

"About that" Freddy muttered under his breath "I certainly hope you are in the running to play me because you're the only talented actor here tonight"

"That's quite the compliment, Freddy" Johnny said, smiling "I am grateful that your movies gave me my start in Hollywood. I wouldn't be who I am today without you"

"Pussy" Eric Bana said, rolling his eyes as he passed them "If you're so great, why weren't you the hulk or Henry VII?"

"Because, unlike you" Freddy said, coming to Johnny Depp's defense "He doesn't suck. Why don't you start playing the didgeridoo for the kangaroos, koalas and dingoes? I think you'd be better at that than acting."

"I'm more manly than the both of them" Hugh Jackman said gruffly, doing an impression of Wolverine "I've played Van Helsing and Wolverine...I'm better for the role"

"Why don't you go chasing the Wolfman some more?" Freddy growled, pushing Hugh out of the way "I don't want 2009's Sexiest Man playing me"

The A-list actors remained at the mansion until about 10 pm or so. Freddy was very happy to see them leave the party, making mental notes to appear in the dreams of those he hated. When the last actor left the mansion, Freddy sank down on the couch, breathing a sigh of relief.

"ASHLEY" he barked, loosening his bowtie before appearing in his traditional garb again "BRING ME A BEER"

His order was met by a beer bottle to the head. Growling and rubbing the back of the head, he flicked off the cap and drank the beer greedily.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?" Lucard intoned, walking into the living room "I'm more used to politicians and other businessmen at my parties"

"I need to have a talk with the director of this remake" Freddy said, finishing the beer before throwing it at Ash, who was busy clearing away the glasses and empty bottles. He let out a chuckle when the bottle hit Ash square in the head, knocking him unconscious.

"I have to admit that Robert Englund is the only one that knows the role well enough to play you" Djinn said, appearing on the couch opposite Freddy "I didn't like any of the A-listers that came here."

Jason walked into the room wordlessly, writing something furiously down on a pad of paper. He handed it to Freddy before sitting next to Djinn.

"Hmmm" Freddy said, reading Jason's note "There's a dead A-lister in the kitchen...WHAT?? WHO?"

Jason snatched the pad of paper and wrote his reply down before handing it to Freddy.

Freddy read it and began to chuckle. Soon, his chuckles turned into full blown laughter.

"Well, Freddy?" Djinn inquired, folding his arms across his chest "Who is it?"

"Ben Affleck" Freddy howled, tossing the pad of paper down "Jason, I could kiss you for that. You were the one who killed him, right?"

Jason shook his head no.

"Well then, who did?" Lucard inquired coolly "If it wasn't you or one of us..."

Jason picked up the pad of paper and wrote furiously before handing it to Djinn.

"Oh my" Djinn remarked as he read Jason's note "It definitely wasn't one of us housemates. It was Colin Farrell"

"I wonder why" Freddy inquired, laughing harder "Maybe he was mad about working on Daredevil with him. That movie sucked!"

"According to Jason's note" Djinn said, reading further "Colin was just really drunk and Ben happened to get in the way"

"What a strange turn of events" Lucard marvelled, smirking evilly "I must say that I rather enjoyed hearing that. With Ben out of the picture, more good movies will be made!"

With that, he burst into evil laughter. Freddy, Djinn and Jason joined in...

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**__** I apologize to any fans of Ben Affleck and of Colin Farrell and to these actors themselves as this is just in fun. I have nothing against either of them. Please don't take this chapter seriously.**_

_**Freddy: HEY! I have something against Ben Affleck! It's called GIGLI! (falls into unconsciousness as another beer bottle is lodged at his head, courtesy of Ash)**_

_**Djinn: Thanks, Ash. If you hadn't stopped him, he would have kept on complaining.**_

_**Jason: (pokes Freddy in the ribs with his machete curiously before kicking him hard a few times)**_

_**Ash: Hey, Jason...save some for the boomstick, will ya? (pulls out boomstick and shoots Freddy in the arm) I've always wanted to do that.**_

_**Don Henley: (in disbelief) Are things always this insane?**_

_**Synn: (still sitting on his lap while keeping him locked in a death grip) Just pretend they don't exist. I'm the one you should lavish your attention on.**_

_**Don Henley: Ummm okay! (Starts singing "One of These Nights")**_


	19. The Surreal Life Welcomes Hannibal

_**Synn: (Runs across room, dragging Don Henley behind her before ducking behind the desk with him)**_

_**Don Henley: What's going on? Why are we here?**_

_**Synn: Shhhh...there's a mob of angry authors in the house...they want to kill me for not updating in so long!**_

_**Don Henley: (muffles a shriek as he peers around a corner and sees the torch-bearing mob approaching the door) Hold me!**_

_**Synn: Okay (hugs him) they'll leave in a minute...as long as they don't know we're in here.**_

_**Freddy: (lands on top of the desk, peering down) Here they are!!! Ready to be punished for her procrastination!**_

_**Don Henley: (scared) What's going to happen now?**_

_**Synn: (turns the mob into Freddy fangirls) This!**_

_**Freddy: (shrieks as he's pulled off of the desk into the crowd)**_

_**Don Henley: Wait...if you have these incredible powers, why were we hiding?**_

_**Synn: (sweatdrop) Ummm me love you long time? (gives him puppy dog eyes)**_

_**Don Henley: You are unbelievable!**_

_**Synn: You like it! (pounces and huggles him)**_

_**Don Henley: Strangely enough, I do.**_

_**DISCLAIMER:**__** I own nothing!**_

Having recovered from the debacle from the previous night, Freddy was the first to come downstairs the next day. Appearing outside, he went to grab the newspaper.

"Hmmm" Freddy mumbled, reading "A special guest shrink is coming here...great...it better not be Dr. Phil"

"On the contrary" said a familiar cultured voice "Dr Phil is a far cry from me. I'd like to see him try and eat human flesh"

"Oh...my...god" Freddy said, his eyes wide in disbelief as he glanced at the old man standing on the porch in front of him "Hannibal Lechter!"

"The one and only" Hannibal said, yawning into his hand "It looks like I came just in time"

"Hmmm?" Freddy inqured, yawning as it was a contagious thing "Whaddya mean?"

"Clarice has been watching this show from the beginning" Hannibal explained patiently, taking off the dark sunglasses he was wearing "She believes you men are in serious need of my help, so I talked to the producers and they..."

"As if" Freddy scoffed, folding his arms across his chest "You can't reason with television producers"

"Did I say talk?" Hannibal corrected himself, smacking his forehead with an open palm "I meant that I bit off a couple of ears and noses and they readily agreed to let me visit. I forgot this show wasn't suitable for young children...and that's a very good thing!"

"Has anyone told you that you're the smart version of Leatherface?" Freddy exclaimed, barking out a laugh.

"Oh, now you're being rude" Hannibal said, narrowing his eyes at Freddy "and you know I dislike rude people"

"What ya gonna do?" Freddy taunted him, laughing "Gonna eat my dick with fava beans?"

"As if!" Hannibal scoffed, rolling his eyes as he picked up his suitcase "I dislike burned food. Two words, Frederick Charles Kruger...Plastic Surgery! I'll be staying here observing for a week!"

Before Freddy could come back with a snarky reply, Hannibal brushed past him and entered the house...

... The housemates all sat in the living room, surrounding Hannibal, who was taking discreet notes about each housemate's behaviour.

"This is downright ridiculous" Lucard hissed, glaring at Hannibal "I already have a shrink...why should I let Hannibal help me?"

"Although you are quite charming and eloquent" Hannibal said, not lifting his eyes from his notepad "You seem to have a God complex and a chip on both shoulders, my nocturnal friend"

"Why wouldn't I be like that?" Lucard said, sitting back and smirking with pride "I am the King of Vampires after all"

"You mean the King of Butt Scratchers" Djinn said, laughing hard and slapping his knee. Freddy barked out a laugh.

"Good one, Djinn!" he exclaimed, laughing hysterically. Hannibal clucked his tongue and made a note on that.

"Mr. Djinn" Hannibal said, eyeing the Wishmaster "I do believe you are a very crude individual who has no respect of other people"

"Oops" Djinn said, laughing harder as he mimicked Hannibal's voice "I do believe you are a pompous ass who just described Freddy"

"I'll kill you!" Freddy snarled, lunging at Djinn before being restrained by Jason.

"Thank you , Jason" Hannibal said, making more notes "I'm glad someone in here has some semblance of sanity...although be it an oxymoron"

"Watch who you're calling a moron" Angela said, defending Jason "He's smarter than some people think"

"Miss Baker' Hannibal retorted looking at her over the top of his notepad "I am going to have a chat with you about your extremely confusing sexual identity"

The rest of the room began to laugh hysterically except for Carrie who held her crucifix and mumbled to herself.

"And we have Carrie" Hannibal murmured, scribbling more notes "Who is clearly obsessed with her mother's menial religious beliefs. My dear, you abandoned the bible when you attacked everyone at Bates High. I haven't seen this serious a case of an Oedipus complex since Norman Bates, although Norman's issues were more severe."

"Does he still cross dress?" Freddy inquired, laughing "Tell him the elderly look is back in thanks to him!"...

_**I know, it's been a LONG time in the making, but I wanted Hannibal to do what Florence Henderson did in a few seasons of the Surreal Life. She was a shrink as well as a houseguest.**_

_**Hannibal: I am so glad to be here (bows modestly)**_

_**Candyman: I suddenly don't feel like I'm entirely surrounded by idiots anymore.**_

_**Freddy: Hey! The only idiot here is our author for kidnapping the most talented member of the Eagles. Talk about psycho!**_

_**Don Henley: Ooooh! (looks at Synn) Are you going to fight back? Going to fight for my honor?**_

_**Synn: (smirks) But of course. (Makes Nancy, Kristen and Alice appear in the room with stronger powers)**_

_**Freddy: NO!! (wails) Anything but THEM!!! (runs out of the room)**_

_**Synn: And I didn't even break a sweat! (smirks and bows before locking him in a death grip again)**_


	20. Freddy Has Issues

_**(Synn goes into her study and sits down for a public service announcement)**_

_**Synn: I'm so sorry for not updating in so long, but writer's block is a bitch!**_

_**Freddy: You're the bitch for leaving these people hanging! (puts blade glove near her throat). By the way, where's your old fart musician to save you?**_

_**Lucard: It appears he had to go on tour, but, I'd be careful if I were you, Frederick. There is someone new in her life.**_

_**Freddy: Oooh I'm so scared! (Barks out a laugh as he continues to torment our author) What can he do to me anyways?**_

_**(Freddy is interrupted by a barrage of knives heading towards his head and screams like a girl)**_

_**Lucard: (Laughs as said man appears in the room) Frederick, allow me to introduce Synn's boyfriend Steve.**_

_**Steve: Never fear, my sweet Synn! (lopes onto the desk to steal some rescue kisses) Freddy Pooper can't harm you when I'm around!**_

_**(Synn grabs Steve in a death grip)**_

_**Synn: My hero! Gimme some sugar, baby!**_

_**(The room is filled with intense smacking noises)**_

_**Ash: HEY! That's my line!!! I wish someone would give me some sugar!**_

_**(Djinn appears behind Ash)**_

_**Djinn: As you wish! (Dumps Ash in a room full of powdered sugar)**_

_Author's Note:__ I'm reallllyyyyy sorry that I haven't updated in so long! Please forgive me? Okay? I keep you entertained!_

_DISCLAIMER:__ I own nothing!!!_

... "Hey Djinn" Ash said, fake dusting near the living room, where Hannibal was in session "I have some blackmail material on Freddy you might want to hear"

Djinn rushed to where Ash was standing and peered into the living room, suppressing a laugh as he saw Freddy.

"Oh this is funny" Djinn said, eavesdropping "It looks like Freddy is pouring out his heart and lack of soul"

"I wish we could tape this" Ash said wistfully, eavesdropping as well. With a slight nod, Djinn made a camcorder appear. Ash began to tape the session...

..."I don't get it, doc" Freddy said, lying on the couch with a balled up tissue in his bare hand "I know I was the product of rape, but wasn't 'Son of a hundred maniacs' a bit much?"

"Now, now Frederick" Hannibal soothed, taking notes "It was a bit much. It prompted you to deviate from the norm. You didn't have the best role models in your life either."

"I wanted to be a good one for Katherine" Freddy said, sobbing "But I just couldn't stop murdering children. If only Loretta hadn't snooped that day, Katherine wouldn't have run away after she saw me strangling her. I miss my little girl!"

"Frederick" Hannibal said, taking off his spectacles "Anybody who was in your shoes would have turned out the same way. You have abandonment issues that will probably always be unresolved with your mother. You suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of your foster father. You were tormented your whole life. You are normal, Freddy"

Freddy sat up, blowing his nearly burnt off nose.

"Ya think?" he said, wiping his eyes before making the Kleenex disappear "Yeah, doc...you're right. I feel much better now!"

"Good" Hannibal said, taking more notes "Our session is over today. Tomorrow we will discuss Katherine"

Freddy disappeared from the couch, leaving Hannibal in silence.

"My god that man has issues" he said, shaking his head ruefully "Sometimes I wonder why I volunteered to do counselling here"...

... Ash and Djinn took out the videotape for safekeeping. Soon, Djinn made the camcorder disappear.

"This tape gives me an idea" Djinn said, a plan forming in his mind "Let's have a movie night and show the rest of the housemates Freddy's emotional video"

"Great" Ash said, clapping his hands in delight "I would love to help you after all the shit he's pulled on me!"

"We need to make munchies and stuff"

"And we need to get a copy of that Fat Boyz video that Freddy appeared in too" Ash said, remembering something he had seen on YouTube recently "As well as that video by Dokken"

"Definitely!" Djinn said, making the other videos appear on the tape after the therapy session "Tonight is going to be hilarious"...

... The housemates were all gathered in the living room that night, awaiting the start of the movie.

"This was an excellent idea" Candyman said, sitting on the couch leisurely "We're always at each other's throats so much that we don't really have a lot of fun. Kudos, Djinn!"

"You're welcome" Djinn said, popping the tape in the VCR "Prepare to laugh because I've selected a Comedy"

"Goody" Freddy said, rolling his eyes as he munched on popcorn "It better not be a stupid movie!"

Djinn grinned to himself, pressing PLAY.

_The camera panned to show Freddy lying on the couch with a balled up tissue in his hand._

"_I don't get it, doc! I know I was the product of rape, but isn't 'Son of a hundred maniacs' a bit much?"_

Everyone except Freddy burst out laughing. Even Michael and Jason's shoulders were shaking in laughter.

"_I wanted to be a good one for Katherine" Freddy sobbed "But I couldn't stop murdering children!"_

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" Freddy snarled as the scene changed to the scene in Dokken's 'Dream Warriors' video where Freddy wakes up from his nightmare.

"_Huh?? What a nightmare!" Freddy groaned, clutching a teddy bear "Who were those guys?"_

The erupted laugher became louder. Freddy was becoming enraged.

"WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS SHIT ON?" he snarled as the Fat Boyz rap video came on "WHO THE FUCK IS BEHIND THIS?"

Unfortunately for Freddy, everyone was laughing too hard to answer his barks.

"Who knew that Freddy was friends with fat guys?" Ash quipped, holding his sides "Maybe he's into BHM!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS BHM?" Freddy roared, upending the coffee table in rage.

"Big Handsome Men" Djinn replied, chortling "Why Freddy...I didn't know you were a homosexual!"

Freddy lunged at Djinn, stabbing him in the gut.

"Frederick!" Hannibal exclaimed, standing up "That is no way to treat Djinn! You shouldn't be acting on impulse like that against the other housemates!"

"AARRRGH" Freddy roared "He has to be behind the video bullshit"

"It doesn't matter!" Hannibal said, chastising Freddy "We will discuss this tomorrow, Mr. Krueger!"

Freddy sat down, slamming his fist on the arm of the chair...

_Synn: Great job, Djinn! Who knew that Freddy had issues?_

_Djinn: Why thank you, dear Author._

_Freddy: I'll slit your throat in your dreams bitch! (Is promptly stabbed by flying knives, courtesy of Steve)_

_Steve: What did I just say about nothing hurting my baby girl?_

_(Synn, Steve and Djinn all share a laugh)_


End file.
